


Anchor

by lizhero6



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Drama, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Magic, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-03-14 15:34:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3416066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizhero6/pseuds/lizhero6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean comes from a special type of the human race - the Mages, people who secretly possess elemental magical powers. Despite his heritage, he is able to live quite a normal life, since his specialization is basically... nothing.<br/>But when his dangerous and powerful specialization finally starts to develop, he realizes that his life can never get back to the way it used to be again.<br/>To protect himself and other people from danger, his father hires a recently graduated guard named Marco, who has to remain by his side almost 24/7 during his university life. And that is something that Jean Kirschstein, a first class loner, absolutely resents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shadowed

When you imagine going back home from university during Christmas break, the only thing you can usually think about is eating ridiculous amounts of food, seeing boring family members and spending a lot of your free days doing absolutely nothing. I mean, that was what any normal kid did during their Christmas break, right?

Too bad that I wasn't normal.

Due the enormous popularity of books, TV shows and movies about kids with magical powers, you could assume that many people would like to be in my position.

Too bad that being a Mage, what we actually liked to call ourselves, isn't as awesome as they make it seem on TV. Most of the time, we have to hide our powers from the world and even if you were in a safe environment where it was okay to use your powers, you still had to be careful not to fuck anything up. So exciting, right?

As if living a super secret second life as a Mage wasn't difficult enough, I also had other problems to worry about. Very _big_ problems.

Normally, an eighteen year old should already have specialized his powers, but I, being the most unlucky person in the whole damn world, hadn't specialized in anything yet. Whenever I tried to use an elemental power like air or fire, nothing ever happened. The only thing I was able to do with my magic was making cutlery move and unfortunately, that wasn't really considered a remarkable magical talent.

But all of that was about to change drastically.

 

* * *

 

"Jean, my dear boy, I missed you so much while you were away!"

My mom hugged me when we met, holding my body tightly. I wasn't much of a hugger, but I let her anyway. Although I wouldn't say it out loud, I had missed her too. Unlike...

"Good to see you again, son."

My dad. I knew that he was lying. He had been the one to send me off all the way to Sina University, just because I embarrassed him. He was an important member of the Mages Military, an organization that provided trained soldiers to defend us against enemies. He was the most talented Fire Mage out there and having a an unspecialized one as a son brought him shame, though he didn't openly admit it. But I could still see his disappointed look as he spoke those words to me, wishing that things had changed while I had been away.

"H-hi," was all I could say right now.

I didn't really feel like talking yet, as I was exhausted from the long drive. I had been in a car for eight hours, and even though I had stopped a few times to get my much needed shots of caffeine, I still felt like passing out.

"Why don't we go inside?" Mom suggested with a smile. "It is way too cold out here. Would you like some tea, honey?"

I nodded, not even daring to say 'no' to her. First tea and then, hopefully, straight to bed.

"I'll grab your luggage," my father offered and he opened the trunk of my car to get the huge red suitcase that I brought with me.

The three of us went inside our house, where the warm air and the familiar smell of omelettes welcomed me. Even though I had been dreading coming home for the holidays, I sure had been looking forward to enjoy my mother's cooking again. Her omelettes were seriously the tastiest and most delicious thing ever.

"You made omelettes, didn't you?" I asked her with a slight smile as I was taking of my coat in the hallway.

"Maybe," she answered teasingly, giving me a small wink. "Shall we go to the kitchen to see if I did?"

I laughed softly and started to make my way towards to the kitchen in a rapid tempo. I was tired as hell, but for those omelettes, I would still freaking run if I had to.

When I entered the kitchen, the overwhelming smell of those precious cooked eggs filled my nostrils. My stomach growled upon seeing them, neatly presented on a plate on the counter.

"Dig in," my mom said.

And with that encouragement, I started my first Christmas break eating festivity.

 

* * *

   
After I had finished at least five omelettes, I excused myself and went upstairs to my bedroom. It didn't exactly feel like my bedroom anymore, as it was mostly empty since I had taken most of my stuff with me to university.

The only things that were still here were just a simple bed, a desk and a wardrobe with some of my old clothes. The drawers of my desk still had some of my old drawings in them and I had already planned to take them out again later this week. I was already sure that lots of cringing would be involved, because my art surely sucked.

I opened my flaming red suitcase and started unpacking. Most of my clothes were still at my apartment back at uni – I had only packed what seemed absolutely necessary, like a few pairs of jeans and a couple of warm hoodies. I would probably spend most of my days wearing a neat suit anyway, so there was no need to take more casual clothes with me. The other stuff I brought were strictly basic human necessities: laptop, phone, Nintendo DS and some drawing stuff. All of those would certainly entertain me during these boring weeks.

I checked my phone quickly and found three unread messages in my inbox.

**From: Armin  
Hey, did you arrive yet? Please let me know if you are there, okay? **

**From: Armin  
Did you get stuck in a blizzard or something? You should have arrived an hour ago! **

**From: Armin  
...And now it's two hours. Please, Jean, don't tell me you got your car wrecked and died! :(**

Oh, Armin... He was one of my few friends at university. We had a few classes together and it didn't take long for him to start talking to me.

We didn't really hang out that much after classes ended, though. Armin had come to Sina University together with Eren en Mikasa, two of his childhood friends from his hometown Shiganshina, so he usually hung out with them. Both of them always acted distant towards me, so I didn't even bother to talk to them anymore. I had always been kind of a loner, so I was okay with spending most of my time alone.

I didn't feel like torturing Armin any longer, so I decided to text him back.

**To: Armin**   
**heeey man, sorry it took me so long to reply! i'm home right now, ready to get to bed and sleep for days**

It only took a few seconds to get a reply.

**From: Armin**   
**Alright! Sleep tight, Jean!**

I was considering to text a 'thank you' back, but I was just too damn tired. I needed sleep, immediately.

Though I didn't really feel like sleeping in a pair of jeans and t-shirt, so I quickly changed myself into something a little more comfortable before I hit my bed, dozing off into a deep sleep. 

 

* * *

 

The first thing I noticed when I woke up, was the extreme darkness that surrounded me. What time was it? It was still night, right?

I grabbed my phone (which I had dumped onto the floor last night before passing out) to check the time and found that it was already 9 in the morning. Then why was it still so goddamn dark?

Carefully, I sat upright in my bed, and – wait, did that darkness just _move_?! I blinked a few times, but nothing changed. The shadows around me were moving, dancing gracefully around my bedroom.

_What the hell is this?_

I practically jumped out of my bed and walked straight towards my window to open my curtains. The bright daylight immediately filled my room, but the shadows around me remained.

"What the fuck..." I mouthed.

I tried to wave my arms around, basically shooing them like a dog, but those damn shadows just danced around my arms, following every move I made.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me," I spoke again, much louder this time. "Why won't you just go away, you damn pests?"

And just like that, the dark masses were gone.

I muttered another 'what the fuck' as I walked out of my room, off to the bathroom to take a wake-up shower.

Someone in this house had been using magic while I was asleep, and I was almost 100% sure it was my dad. My mom was way too nice to annoy me with something like that.

When I got to the breakfast table, I was almost glad to see that my father still hadn't left for work yet. He was reading a local newspaper while sipping his morning coffee.

"Ah, Jean." He looked up at me for a few seconds, before his eyes returned to the letters on the pages.

I sat down next to him. "Morning," I told him. "Nice joke you pulled there, dad."

He put down his paper and blinked at me. "Joke?"

"Yeah, the one with the shadows that were chasing me around. I didn't really find it funny, though," I answered him as I poured myself my own steaming cup of coffee. I definitely needed that right now.

"Jean, I have no idea what you are talking about," he said, shaking his head. "Are you sure you weren't dreaming?"

Could this get any worse? I knew for sure that he was the culprit, so there was no need to hide it from me.

"No, dad," I sighed, slowly bringing my cup to my lips to soak up that much needed caffeine.

"Hmmm." Dad looked at me, his head resting on his hand. "What did they look like?"

I shrugged. "Well, they were just little round shadows. And they moved around my body. They went away again when I told them to."

A loud gasp suddenly escaped from my dad’s mouth. "J-Jean," he said with a low voice. "I think I can see them right now."

"What?"

It wasn't a lie. There they were again, swarming around me, just like they had earlier this morning. Damn, my dad was really fucking around with me right now.

"Shit," I swore quietly. "Well, why don't you make them go away now? I already told you it wasn’t funny!" I gave my dad an annoyed glare to let him know that I was genuinely pissed off.

"I told you, I'm not making them appear," he spoke calmly while he kept his eyes locked on me. "You are."

Me? What? Of course, I wasn't. I had never made anything appear during my life and I had already accepted that I probably wouldn’t ever specialize in anything, so the idea of me conjuring up these shadows, was simply preposterous.

"No," I muttered. "No, it can't be me. I can't do any damned magic!"

I felt the sudden touch of my dad's hand on my shoulder and I looked at him. His brown eyes had a hint of concern in them and I immediately knew that this was bad news. "I think you have specialized, son." His voice was trembling a little, which surprised me. He had never shown this much emotion in my presence before. "You are showing the first stage of the Shadow specialization."

It was as if I had been hit by a fucking fire truck after hearing those words.

_I was a freaking Shadow Mage. I had one of the most rare specializations in the entire world._

"Fuck." It was the only word that I was able to speak before I started to lose control of my breathing.

My breaths became heavy and irregular, and I felt like I was going to start losing control.

The shadows were still surrounding me, swarming fast around my panicked body. My sight was turning black, leaving me all alone in complete darkness. I couldn't even see my dad anymore.

I wanted to scream, but when I opened my mouth, no sounds were able to come out.

_Please, help me._

"Jean!"

The darkness around me started to disappear again, turning all of the black shadows into brilliant, red flames, which slowly burned out.

Within seconds, I was back on the floor of the dining room with my dad, who was kneeling down. His hands gently touched my face.

"Jean, are you okay?" his voice called out to me.

I tried to take a breath and felt myself slowly turning back to my normal state again.

"I-I don't know," I mumbled, and I could feel my eyes watering. I looked down, avoiding my father's eyes, and bit my lip.

_Don't you fucking cry, you baby._

My dad's hands let go again, but he remained by my side. I could hear him sigh briefly.

"I have to take you with me to the Military Headquarters today," he told me with a gentle, soothing voice. I had never heard him speak like that before. "This is dangerous, Jean."

I carefully nodded, trying to make sense of this whole ordeal.

He was right. _I_ was dangerous.

The Shadow specialization was the rarest and most destructive magical ability to ever exist and I, Jean Kirschstein, possessed it.

That was when I knew that my life was never going to be the same again.


	2. Afraid

I had no idea how many people were actually in the room with me, but it felt like at least ten were watching me, following every single move I made.

They all feared me already, I was sure of it.

Not many Mages who possessed the Shadow specialization had lived a very happy life. I had been told stories about ones who went insane because of their incredible power, and they became so bad that they had even killed their friends and family when they lost total control.

Was that going to be me? Maybe I was really going to be the new inspiration for stories that Mage children would be told before they went to bed. Maybe I would become that monster that they all feared.

"Jean Kirschstein?" a familiar voice spoke.

I looked at the man that had just said my name. He was standing tall at the front of the room, showing that he was a leader.

I knew who he was. Everyone in the Mage world knew who this man was. Erwin Smith, the leader of the Military Mages and pretty much the most powerful Energy user on Earth.

"Y-yes," I answered him, my voice trembling and my hands shaking.

He started to pace towards me, showing off his strong and proud posture as he was walking.

It was the first time I had ever seen him in real life, but people had always rumored that he could be quite intimidating in person. And it was true, because I could feel myself getting more and more nervous as he came closer.

It was getting harder to breathe. The air around me seemed to get thin and no matter how much I tried to breathe the fresh air in, I just couldn't.

_Come on, Jean. Breathe, breathe, breathe._

Loud gasps suddenly escaped from mouths all around me. Everyone's eyes were on me and I knew why.

The dancing, floating shadows were there again, circling my shaking body. But this time, they kept their distance. They didn't fully surround me like they had this morning and I could swear that they weren't even moving as fast as they had earlier anymore.

They were protecting me, shielding my body from the intimidating approach of Erwin Smith. They weren't enemies, they were _friends_.

"So it is true."

Erwin had stopped right in front of me. His eyes were examining my shadows with surprise, maybe it was even fascination.

He slowly reached for them with his hand, but they immediately started to move right in front of me, guarding me from his touch. As soon as he retracted his hand again, they returned to their original positions.

"He is dangerous!" I suddenly heard a woman shout from across the room.

"Lock him up before something horrible happens!" another voice called out.

Within seconds, everyone in the room started to scream and shout, desperate to voice their own opinion about my powers.

This was going to end badly, there was no denying it. I wanted to run and hide myself where no one would ever find me again. Whatever they were going to do with me, it was most likely going to be horrifying. They would probably lock me up somewhere, just to make sure that I wouldn't ever harm anyone, either human or Mage.

I was going to be their new monster, one they wouldn't be able to tame.

"Silence!"

The voice was so loud and powerful, it made all of the panicked shouts die out.

Everyone was staring at the man that had pleaded the silence, a man that I didn't even know was here in the room with us.

Captain Levi.

He had an extremely short posture, but his distinctive personality sure made him one of the most outstanding Mages that had ever lived. Most of us called him our strongest soldier, due to his abnormal powers.

Levi was the first and only Mage ever born that had been able to specialize in more than just one element, since he possessed both the Light and Fire specializations. Whenever a Mage went bad and needed to be caught or even eliminated, he was the one the Military would call.

It surprised me that he was even here, since he wasn't known to show up at the Trost Court a lot. Most of the time, he was travelling the world and if he wasn't, he was up at the Training Quarters to help the new recruits, learning them how to make full use of their powers in battle.

"While you shits are all cackling like headless chickens about disposing this boy as soon as you possibly can, you are all forgetting one important thing," he spoke to the now silent roomful of people. "We have no understanding of the Shadow specialization yet, mainly because you all have been so eager to get rid of those bastards who had it."

Erwin looked at him, cocking his head slightly. "You are right, we don't know anything about it yet. What are you suggesting, Levi?"

Levi locked his emotionless eyes on me, making my shadows move even faster around my body. I managed to catch a breath, though my whole body felt tense and heavy again.

"I suggest that we let him live his normal life again."

Another round of gasps went around the room, but there was no shouting this time.

Living my normal life? How would I ever be able to live my normal life again with these shadows around me? I couldn't go to class with them around me, people would notice them right away and then I would be in big trouble. Letting me live a life like that would expose our entire hidden world.

"B-but..."

I finally could bring out something, but speaking was too hard right now. Even the effort of saying one word drained my energy completely.

_How was I ever going to live with this?_

"Shut up, I didn't ask you anything, brat," Levi hissed, pissed off by my effort to communicate. "Of course, he wouldn't ever be able to fully live like he used to again, not with those things surrounding him. I have a solution to this problem, but it's going to be quite intense for both people involved."

My father suddenly raised from his chair. I had almost forgotten that he had been here the whole time, watching his son bring shame to his family once again. He must have been too disappointed to even discuss the fate of his son, until now.

"Captain, what do you mean 'both people'? Who will accompany my son?" he asked Levi, startled by the suggestion.

Levi slowly started to step forward, making his way towards me. My shadows felt the upcoming treat and guarded up again, creating a shield of darkness around me to protect me from him.

An intense light appeared, blinding me and probably everyone else in the room, and the darkness was just _gone_. All the darkness that had shielded me just seconds ago had disappeared into thin air, leaving me without any protection.

I felt empty. My legs were shaking, making me fall down onto my knees with tears stinging in the corners of my eyes. I was weak, and pathetic, and useless.

Levi was standing right in front of me, looking down on me. He probably thought that I was just a pathetic piece of shit as well, even though he didn't say it out loud just yet.

"Darkness always needs a light," he started off his talk. "Both are each other's counterparts - they simply can't exist without the other. Where there is light, there is darkness. Where there is darkness, there is light." He knelt down next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. "What this brat needs, is a light to counteract his darkness," he then announced.

A gasp escaped from my mouth after I heard those words. A light. A Light Mage. Someone was going to stop my shadows from appearing, which sounded both brilliant and incredibly terrifying.

But who the hell was going to be that person? Dear God, I didn't want that creepy Levi to be the one following me around to make sure that I didn't fuck things up with my powers. To be honest, I didn't want anyone to stalk me like that. I preferred to live my life peacefully in loneliness, since I was just a train wreck when I was around other people. But I didn't really have a choice in this, did I?

"Captain, do you mean that you-"

"Tch. Of course not," Levi interrupted my father. "Like I have time to babysit your little brat. But fortunately, I have a recruit who possesses the Light specialization as well. He is only nineteen, but he has already graduated with high marks. He'll be perfect for the job."

Only nineteen years old. Only one year older than I was. I still didn't like the idea of being followed around 24/7, but at least it wouldn't be some old fart that would stalk me.

"Levi, you can't mean - Marco? Marco Bodt?" Erwin asked, approaching both me and Levi.

"What if he won't agree with this? Have you thought about that?"

Levi sighed. "Marco Bodt is a man of duty. He'll do whatever I'll ask him to do." "Then we will call him as soon as possible."  
  


* * *

 

The meeting was over after they had made the decision to call this 'Marco', asking him if he wanted to be my guard (that is what they called it, but I'd rather say babysitter).

Both me and my father were dismissed, we were free to go home and rest. We did go home, but I certainly did not rest, and neither did my parents.

The days before Christmas, my parents could probably just sense how much I wanted to be left alone. They didn't really bother me when I locked myself up in my room, only calling me whenever we were going to have dinner. When it was just the three of us at the dinner table, they were as nice and supporting as they could.

I had never seen my parents act that way before, at least not my dad. My mother had always been the caring and kind one, a woman who wanted to treat her son the best she could. But to see my usually distant father show me so much love was certainly something new to me.  
  


* * *

 

It was the first time that my parents hadn't invited a shitload of people for Christmas dinner. Normally, my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were all present, but to my surprise, no one was invited this year. It was just going to be the three of us.

I had locked myself up in my room again that day, but I could smell the traditional, delicious ham being roasted all the way down in the kitchen. My mother always liked to cook us the most amazing dishes during Christmas and even though our Christmas dinner wasn't going to be anything like they were during the previous years, she still wanted to make sure we had good food to devour tonight.

Dinner was only hours away, but I was still in my bed, dressed in comfy clothes. The meeting at the Trost Court had completely drained me and I hadn't fully recovered yet. My body felt stiff and tired and everything, even the smallest things like walking and eating, were hurting me.

My phone was vibrating on the floor and I slowly opened my eyes, waking from that half asleep stage that I had been in for the last few hours. I gathered the tiny bit of energy I had gained and picked up my phone from the floor to read the message.

**From: Armin  
Merry Christmas, Jean! What have you been up to so far?**

Armin was miles away and we weren't even really good friends, but he still wanted to wish me a merry Christmas. It was the first time I managed to smile since my powers started showing. The smile on my lips was a faint one, but still, it was there.

**To: Armin**  
 **merry christmas to you too! not much, been sick bleh :( what about you?**

Of course, I wasn't actually sick, but you couldn't just tell a mundane that your dangerous magical powers started to show up a few days ago.

**From: Armin**  
 **That sucks, I hope you get better soon! I've been hanging out with Mikasa and Eren, we are having a huge Christmas dinner later today :) Are you able to eat? It would be unfortunate if you can't have a proper Christmas dinner tonight!**

**To: Armin**  
 **sounds nice! yeah i can eat again now, my mom is already in the kitchen preparing all that food i'm going to devour in a few hours ;)**

**From: Armin**  
 **Alright, that's good to hear! Have fun eating! :)**

**To: Armin**  
 **thanks, you too armin**

I put my phone underneath my pillow and slowly let my eyes close again. The smile was leaving my lips again, though I was still glad that Armin had texted me. If I couldn't harm him, I would sure try to be better friends when I returned to college.

Maybe I could better say _if_ I returned to college. Nothing was even sure at this point, even though Levi had said that I would still be able to live my normal life when that Marco guy was going to be around. I wondered how I was ever going to pull that off.

 

* * *

 

"You look much better, honey," my mother remarked when I descended the stairs.

She had a warm, glowing smile on her face and I couldn't help but smile back at her. When I had seen her earlier today, she had been dressed in jeans and a sweater, but now, she had changed into a pretty dress and had put some makeup on. She looked beautiful.

I, on the other hand, looked like a pile of shit. Since we didn't have family over, my parents had agreed to let me have Christmas dinner in sweatpants and a hoodie. It was warm and comfortable, but paired up with my tousled two-toned hair and my tired expression, it made me look like a total train wreck.

"You look pretty, mom," I told her as we walked towards the dining room together.

I immediately saw some color on her cheeks. "Oh, thank you, Jean! Go take your seat, I'll go get the food."

Dad was already sitting on his usual chair at the dining table. Even he smiled when he saw me enter the room, yet another thing that surprised me.

"Hey," I greeted him as I took my seat.

"Merry Christmas, son," he said to me, carefully handing me a small wrapped up package.

Presents. Of course. I had been so busy worrying about myself that I had forgotten all about the Christmas tradition of giving each other presents.

I took the tiny present from his hands and looked at it, wondering what could be inside.

"Go on, open it," my father encouraged me. With trembling hands, I started to unwrap the paper. It revealed a small white box, which I opened without any hesitation. Inside, there was a silver key which glistened in the candlelight.

"A key?" I accidently said out loud while I examined it.

Dad nodded. "It's for your new apartment in Trost. You are going to need a bigger one if you are going to share it with someone else. Your little studio just won't do anymore."

I gasped. This Marco was going to actually _live_ in the same apartment with me? I knew that I could have expected it, but it still had never occurred to me that something like that would happen. I was so used to living alone. How was I ever going to tolerate living with someone else, someone I didn't even know?

"Jean?"

I laid my eyes on him, not sure how to even answer. Some part of me wanted to cry, the other part wanted to scream as loud as I could.

But I didn't do either, because my mom suddenly barged into the dining room, carrying tons of dishes. It looked like she was going to lose her balance at any minute, but she managed to safely get all of those trays and dishes onto the dining table.

"Marie, honey, you have really outdone yourself this year," dad complimented her, which caused her to grin like an idiot.

"Oh Louis, it's not that much," she said modestly, but she obviously enjoyed being complemented like that.

She really had outdone herself for such a small dinner. There was a huge roasted ham, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, gravy, and a huge assortment of different kinds of vegetables. I had smelled the amazing scent of pumpkin pie being baked earlier today, so I was sure that would be our desert later tonight.

I hadn't really eaten much during the last few days, but I did have an appetite now. The fact that I was going to be forced to live together with a total stranger still left a bad taste in my mouth, but I pushed any thought about that matter aside as soon as it came into my mind. It was Christmas and Christmas was supposed to be peaceful and nice, so I wouldn't tell them my real thoughts tonight.

Tonight I just wanted to eat and laugh and feel like a normal human being again.  
  


* * *

 

It was already midday when I woke up that next day, but I still felt tired. My body was drained once again, most likely from the eventful evening last night.

It had actually been really nice. My mom's cooking was as good as ever and I had eaten quite a lot of food. So much that I had to stop because my stomach started to ache from the huge food overload. I had talked to my parents about general, happy things, and even my father had been all jolly, telling funny stories about his youth.

For one night, it had felt like we were just an ordinary, mundane family. I wished it could have been that way forever, but I still had to face the disappointing truth that we weren't normal in the slightest way.

My head was spinning as I rose from my warm bed, not quite ready to leave it just yet. I stumbled towards the bathroom, wanting to take a long and hot bath to make myself feel better again.

My body did lose some tension when I let it slide into the hot water, just like I hoped it would. It was a nice and comfortable feeling to finally feel some relaxation again after those stressful days.

I closed my eyes and let myself drift off, trying not to think about anything bad.

But I failed. My eyes swung wide open again as the thought of telling my parents my real feelings about the whole Marco situation filled my head again.

"Fuck this," I accidently said out loud, hopefully not too loudly.

I somehow expected the shadows to visit me again right now, but nothing happened. They had been absent ever since that day at the Trost Court, when Levi got rid of them with his light. I wondered if they would ever appear again and if I would feel better if they did.

I stayed in the bath for almost an hour, until the skin of my fingers was all crinkly and the water had basically turned into ice water. All that time, I had been thinking of ways that I could tell my parents the truth without sounding too ungrateful about the whole thing.

Gathering up all of my courage, I got dressed into some comfortable clothes again and went downstairs.

My mother was sitting on the couch, watching some drama show on TV about two women fighting about a guy. How could she actually like that kind of crap?

"Hi," I spoke with a low voice, announcing to her that I was here.

She glanced at me, showing that same warm smile yet again. God, how could I ever tell her the truth if she was being so damn nice?

"Hey honey, I'm glad to see you are up."

I took the seat next to her, nervously playing with my fingers.

_You have to tell her. Maybe she will even understand where you are coming from._

Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself to speak.

"Mom, I-I have to tell you something. It's kind of important."

She nodded to let me know that she understood, before she grabbed the remote control to turn off the TV.

"You can tell me anything, honey," she spoke gently, even taking one of my shaking hands in hers.

I took another deep breath.

"It's about the new apartment dad got me, I don't know if-"

There wasn't a chance to even finish my sentence, because at that exact moment, a door swung open and my father walked into the living room.

It didn't take me long to notice that another person was accompanying him. A tall guy with dark, short hair and tons of freckles covering his face and neck stepped into the room, his lips formed into a nervous little smile.

"Marie, Jean. Meet Marco Bodt."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is chapter 2!
> 
> I want to thank all of the people who left nice comments (both on here and on Tumblr) so far, I really appreciate all of them and it inspires me to continue writing.  
> If you have any comments or suggestions, please feel free to tell me!
> 
> I'm not able to say when the next one will be up yet, but I do promise you one thing: you will see lots more of Marco. ;)


	3. Clarity

Marco Bodt wasn't at all the man I had expected him to be.

When I thought of those people in the Military, I could only see those strong, tough looking guys like Captain Levi and Commander Erwin. They both had an intimidating presence, one that told you that picking a fight with them was going to end very _badly_ for you.

But Marco didn't look intimidating in the slightest way. To be honest, he looked like the person you would make fun of when you saw him at college and he would be too shy to even say something back.

The only thing that could tell you about his years at the Training Quarters were his obvious muscles underneath the neat white blouse he was wearing.

He stared at me for a moment, his lips still pressed into a small smile. "So, you must be Jean, right?" he broke the silence.

"Y-Yeah."

My mother suddenly stood up and eagerly shook Marco's hand. "Hello Marco, it's so nice to meet you!" she said, acting as charming as ever. "I'm Marie Kirschstein, Jean's mother."

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Kirschstein," Marco replied, his smile widening as he released her hand again.

"We didn't expect you to arrive so soon, Marco," Mom remarked.

I wholeheartedly agreed with her. As far as I knew, Marco would join me when I went back to college again. Then why the hell did he suddenly show up already?

"Well, Captain Levi called me right before Christmas and he said it was quite urgent, so I booked a flight as soon as possible. Due to the holidays, the only available flight was one this morning," he explained to us, scratching the back of his head while he was talking.

He did _what_? It was the fucking holiday season, shouldn't he be with his family right now? Did he even have a proper Christmas dinner?

Levi really had been right when he had spoken about him at the Trost Court. Marco was indeed a man of duty, one that was crazy enough to come over as soon as his superior called him.

"You really shouldn't have," I accidently mumbled out loud.

His brown eyes immediately stared at me, and his huge smile disappeared like snow on a warm sunny day.

"Jean!" my mother called out, turning her head to face me. "At least be glad that Marco agreed to become your guard. Not many people would want to give up their life to do something like that."

I sighed. "I'm sorry," I said, even though I didn't really regret what I had just said.

Dad put his hand on Marco's shoulder. "Don't mind our son, he likes to say what's on his mind a lot, even though he doesn't always mean it," he tried to laugh it off.

"It's alright, I understand. It's a strange situation we're in."His smile returned again, just as bright as it was before.

I wondered if smiling all the damn time was one of his habits. Were they even genuine ones or was he just doing it to be polite? I guessed the second one, it just couldn't be the other one. Being happy like that all the time wasn't even possible, was it?

"Marie, why won't we take a walk together?" my father unexpectedly suggested to my mom. "I don't think those boys want to discuss things while we are around."

My mom nodded in agreement. "Alright, we'll back soon," she said before she stood up, following my father outside. Right before she disappeared through the door into the hallway, she shot me a look. I knew exactly what she meant.

_Behave_.

Meanwhile, I was left on the couch, speechless and startled. What the hell? Why did they even think that this was a good idea?

The freckled intruder was still standing up, his legs wiggling nervously. He was looking around the living room, probably avoiding my annoying stare.

"You can sit too if you want to," I invited him.

See, I was indeed able to be a polite and well-behaved son.

"Oh, right." He quickly moved and sat down next to me, making sure there was a comfortable gap between our bodies.

He folded his hands together and gazed at them. "You okay?" he then asked me.

I sighed. "I don't know."

This was awkward. So fucking awkward. What were we even supposed to talk about? I wasn't really good at being around people, so I didn't even know what normal people talked about.

I did talk to Armin sometimes before and after class, but Armin was always the one that started those conversations. He was the one who brought up topics to discuss or interests to talk about, not me.

Besides, Marco wasn't even like Armin in the slightest bit. He was trained to be my guard, not my friend and I did intend to keep our relationship strictly professional, no matter how nice this guy turned out to be.

"I can see that this is hard for you," Marco spoke, his voice sounding gentle and low. "I mean, if I was you, I would hate being thrown into this too."

"No, you don't know anything," I growled. "You don't even know me, so you don't know how shitty I feel."

I could hear him gasping next to me. I admit that it was a bad thing to say right now, but I still didn't regret saying it. It was the first time that I had actually admitted that I wasn't happy with all of this out loud.

"I'm sorry," was all he replied.

_He_ was sorry? I was being a rude shit and _he_ was sorry?

That was when I started to feel it again. This time, it started with a terrible pain in my head that kept getting worse and worse. My head felt like it was going to explode.

I closed my eyes and brought both of my hands to the sides of my head, trying to find relieve.

"Jean?" Marco's voice sounded way softer than it should have.

Soon after, my breathing seemed to get unsteady again, just like all of those previous times. I was shaking all over my body, losing all control.

"Jean!"

I just knew that they had appeared again. I could feel their darkness around me, guarding me like a dark blanket of shadows. But they felt different this time.

Back at the Trost Court, they had felt like friends. But right now, in this moment, they felt like my worst enemies, waiting to take over my body and control me. I couldn't even fight them. But someone else could.

"M-Marco," I managed to speak with a high-pitched, breathless voice.

I couldn't even see him anymore, but I knew he was there with me. I hated it to even admit it, but I _needed_ him right now.

A warm, glowing light slowly replaced the darkness before my eyes, making me able to see past the shadows again. All I could see around me was brilliant, beautiful white light. It made me feel safe.

I was able to catch my breath again, slowly and steadily breathing in the fresh, warm air around me. My body had stopped shaking, allowing me take control of my muscles again.

The bright light that surrounded me disappeared, revealing a shaken Marco on the other side. He slowly lowered the hands that had summoned his powers. The guy was breathing heavily as well, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

"T-Thanks," I stammered, noticing that my voice had turned all hoarse from the exhaustion.

Marco stared down at me. "Isn't that what I'm here for?"

He was right. I resented every part of this, but me needing him to keep me out of trouble, that was the truth. Without him around, I wouldn't even be able to live a normal life.

"Give me your hand," he said, offering his own hand as he was standing right in front me.

I hesitated for a few seconds, but decided to do it anyway.

Our hands touched and he gently started to pull, trying to make me stand up. My body felt all heavy and tired, but as I was getting onto my feet, I noticed how much better I was beginning to feel.

My eyes focused on Marco's hand, which was glowing like a beam. He was using his magic on me, letting his light radiate through my veins to make me feel better again.

It was a nice sensation. For the first time since my powers had surfaced, I was whole again. I felt _good_.

"Better?" he smiled when he let go of my hand.

I nodded carefully. "H-How did you know that I-?"

"It may sound strange, but I could sense it. I didn't even know if my magic would help to get rid of your exhaustion, but I'm glad it did," he explained to me.

I dared to look into those smiling eyes, hoping to see if he really meant to help me. And he had. Nothing in those eyes told me that he was lying just one bit about that. I had treated him like complete shit and he still decided that I was worth helping.

"Marco," I said softly. "I'm the one who should apologize. Sorry, I was a jerk, and I'll most likely still be an annoying jerk most of the time, but I know that I need to have someone around to help me out. I hope you still want to do it..."

His smile grew wider. "Apology accepted. We are going to be fine, okay? We don't have to become best friends or something like that. I'll just try to be your housemate, one that will be around to watch over you when you need it most."

I didn't even say anything back. I only smiled.

Maybe this thing with Marco wasn't going to be as bad as I had thought it would be.  
  


* * *

 

Marco went home to his family again the next day, so he could spend New Year's Eve with his loved ones. He had refused to at first, but my parents and I were able to convince him anyway.

I was actually doing fine, actually. Ever since he had spread that light throughout my entire body, I was feeling like myself again. I was full of energy and I was finally able to do the things I wanted to do during my holiday. So I played some games, I drew a few new drawings, I even helped my mom with her cooking.

It was nice to feel like a normal person again. I knew that my powers were still there and they would probably show up once more sooner or later, but for now, they seemed to keep quiet.

During New Year's Eve, I texted both Armin and Marco to wish them a happy new year. It was the most sociable thing I had done in years, and I felt kind of proud of myself.

Maybe I could learn to like Marco. He was nice and gentle and that was probably something an unsocial douche bag like I needed.

This year, I was going to do better.  
  


* * *

 

"Are you sure you have everything packed, honey?" mom asked me, probably for the hundredth time today.

"Yeah, mom. I only brought this suitcase, remember?" I answered, still trying to keep the smile on my face.

Today was going to be _the_ day. I was going back to college, where everything would be different than it was last time.

I wasn't going back as that powerless Mage. I wasn't going back to my tiny studio. I wasn't going back alone.

Marco was helping my dad getting both his and my stuff into the trunk of my car. I had agreed to let him drive half of the trip down to Sina University, even though I didn't like it whenever someone else drove my car. I figured that it was probably for the best to split the driving, since it was a very long drive anyway.

"We're all packed!" Marco happily announced as he shut the trunk.

It still shut easily, even with all of his stuff added to it. He didn't even bring much, but from what I had heard, you weren't allowed to own much when you were in the Military. At least he was allowed to have to a phone, I couldn't even imagine how he would have survived training without one.

"Alright, I guess it's time to say goodbye," my dad said. I swore I could see a hint of sadness in his eyes.

My mother wrapped her arms tightly around me. "I'm going to miss having you around."

"I'm going to miss you too, mom," I admitted when we let each other go again.

Then it was my dad's turn to hug me. It was a thing that rarely happened, but I did enjoy getting closer to him during the last few weeks. It was a nice change.

"You will be alright, son," he spoke as he released me from his arms. "I'm sure Marco will do a good job watching over you."

"I promise that I will do anything to protect your son, Mr. and Mrs. Kirschstein," Marco gave his word to my parents.

They both smiled back at him. "Thank you, Marco," my dad spoke to him. "Now, how about you boys hit the road, eh? You've got a long drive ahead of you and I heard that there is some snow down the road as well."

I nodded to let Marco know that we were leaving and we both opened up the doors to take our seat. I was going to be the first one to drive, so I let myself slide into that familiar driver's seat and turned the key to start my car.

My parents had both wrapped one arm around each other's waist as they watched us drive away. We exchanged some final waves goodbye and then, Marco and I were on the road towards the new life we were going to lead together.

We were silent for a while. One of my CDs was softly playing through the speakers, so it wasn't completely soundless in the car. I actually enjoyed it, just me driving as he was looking at our surroundings through the window.

"So, what is university like?" Marco asked me after about half an hour.

"Well, it's definitely not like they show you in the movies, not at Sina anyway. Sina is quite a small one, they mainly focus on arts and stuff," I tried to explain. "I usually spend my time going to class, then I'll work on some assignments and game and chill and stuff."

"Oh," Marco replied. "I see." I could his excited smile from the corner of my eye. Dang, this kid really had no idea about what human universities were like, had he? It wasn't even surprising. He had spent most of his time with others of our kind, so normal human stuff wasn't even normal to him at all.

"You excited?" I couldn't help but add a little smile to that.

"Yeah, I think," he said a bit hesitant. "I'm sure it will be nice. I do like art and stuff."

"Really?"

He nodded.

"I do draw sometimes. And I really liked to do some photography stuff before I started training."

My smile grew a bit wider. "You are in luck, Marco. I'm in both Illustration and Photography classes right now."

"Nice!" he excitedly exclaimed, looking like a little kid that just got a lollipop. It was adorable.

Wait, what did I just think of him?

Instead of looking at him, I let my eyes focus on the road again. That was the only place my eyes were supposed to be after all.  
  


* * *

 

We both went silent again after that little conversation, both concentrating on our own things.

Marco was texting on his phone once in a while and I couldn't help but wonder who he was texting. Levi? My parents? One of his friends from training?

Why did I even care? It wasn't my business anyway. Marco was a part of my life now, but he still had a life of his own besides his new job.

Though I couldn't help thinking about who that person could have been the entire damn time.  
  


* * *

 

After I drove about three hours, it was time for us to switch. But of course, not until we had a much needed toilet break at a roadside restaurant.

While Marco walked around the parking lot to stretch his legs for a bit, I took the opportunity to get myself a very large and hot coffee and a donut. Even though Marco had told me he didn't want anything, I brought him a bottle of water and a donut anyway. He would most likely thank me later, I just knew it.

"Be very careful with my baby, please," I told Marco with a grin after he drove away with my car.

"I promise that I'm a very good driver," he smirked.

I took a careful sip of the steaming coffee, trying not to burn my lips. Luckily, it was the perfect drinking temperature already.

I let my body slide deeper into my seat and stared out of the window. My father had definitely been right about the snow. Not that we were getting closer to Sina U, little white flakes started to appear from the sky. A small layer had already covered the ground and it seemed almost certain that layer would grow quickly.

"But are you a good driver when it snows?" I teased him.

Marco shrugged. "I have no idea. It never snowed where the Training Quarters are located."

"Oh God, you are going to get us killed." I meant it as a joke, but it came out sounding way too serious.

"What? No!" Marco immediately responded. I could swear his face turned all white in just seconds. "I'm not letting you die, it's my job to keep you alive!"

"Marco, it was just a joke," I said with a little smile, hoping to calm him down again. "I'm sure you are a very good driver."

"Oh."

If I could sink any deeper into my seat, I would have done it. I felt bad. Like _really_ bad. I just should have known that he would take that joke way too seriously.

I mean, could I even blame the guy? He had spent three years at the Training Quarters, basically going through hell to learn all that combat and magic stuff. He had probably no idea how to crack jokes and to have fun and all that jazz anymore.

I sipped from my coffee for a while, before I finally had enough courage to reply again.

"I'm sorry, Marco. That was shitty of me."

I saw him looking at me for one short moment, before his eyes returned to the road. "Don't worry about it. I still need to get the hang of this whole 'normal college kid' thing, I guess."

"Was it hard?" I suddenly asked him."The training, I mean."

"Uhu," he replied softly, putting on a poker face.

"What did they make you do?"

He bit his lip. "Don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry."

"That's okay."

This was exactly why I usually didn't socialize. I was a goddamn idiot, always asking the wrong questions or saying the wrong things.

I decided to keep my mouth shut for the next three hours. It was probably the wisest decision I ever made.  
  


* * *

 

Although it started snowing more and more heavily the closer we came to our destination, we still managed to arrive without much of a delay. When we reached the new apartment where we would be living together, it was only six at night.

I had to admit that I was at least a bit curious about my new place. My dad had told me that it was bigger than my previous studio and that certainly hadn't been a lie.

It was huge, beautiful and quite modern. Me and Marco both had our private bedrooms and we shared a living room, kitchen and bathroom together. The furniture was already there, most of it was definitely brand new as it still smelled like plastic.

My personal stuff was still in my old studio, so I would have to drop by tomorrow to pick everything up. I wasn't really looking forward to it, but I had to. My Xbox, CDs and other nerdy stuff were needed to keep me busy in my loner existence.

But I wouldn't exactly be a loner again, would I? I had Marco around now, which was both exciting and terrifying.

Marco was nice, sometimes even a bit too nice, I guess. Maybe we could become friends if we figured this whole thing out. It was going to be hard, but it was something that I wanted to happen more than I cared to admit.

The thought of it scared me. I never had any real friends in my life before. Of course, I had people to hang out with at school, but I never considered them actual good friends. They weren't people I had a real connection with, never did I think about telling them about anything personal.

Maybe Marco could change me. Maybe Marco could make me the person I wanted to be all along.

Just maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand chapter 3 is here!
> 
> It seems like Jean finally saw the light (literally), though their relationship is still quite awkward right now.
> 
> Next chapter: college life, the Shiganshina trio and two dorks living together!


	4. Illuminated

As we spent our first night in our apartment, I found out one thing about Marco: the guy went to bed way too early and he woke up early as well. Like, _really_ early.

It was probably still dawn, but he was already out of bed, because I could hear him moving around the apartment. I had no idea what the hell he was up too, but it sounded... intense. I could hear him panting and groaning all the way from the living room. What the hell was he even doing? Maybe I didn't even want to know.

I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes again, trying to ignore everything I heard and focusing on sleeping instead. But it was no use, because my ears just kept hearing him and I just couldn't help but wonder what he was doing at this early hour.

With a huge sigh, I decided that waking up early was probably the best idea, even though I still wanted to keep myself wrapped in these warm blankets.

I slowly rolled out of my bed and walked over to the door. Marco was still making the same noises and I really was starting to worry about what I would see if I opened up that door.

Would I...? Yes, I would, because I was curious as hell.

I opened my door, annoying creaking sounds included, and braced myself for whatever I was going to see behind it.

"Jean?" Marco's voice called. "Oh - OUCH!"

"Marco?" I responded, looking for him in the still dark living room.

When my eyes found him, he was laying face down on the floor, slowly pushing his body up. I didn't even notice that he wasn't wearing anything but a pair of boxer shorts until he was standing upright again.

"I'm sorry, I always get way too serious when I'm doing my daily exercises. Did I wake you up?" he asked me with a smile, apparently not even caring that he was standing half naked in front of me.

Exercises? He seriously woke up at this early hour only to do exercises?

"U-Uh, yeah. Kinda," I responded with a shaken voice. "Do you, uh, always wake up this early?"

While I spoke, I couldn't help but look at his upper body. This guy had such a toned body, he looked like one of those dudes that you would see in an Abercrombie ad.

God, he was _beautiful_. Not that I was gay or anything, but there just was no other word to describe it, okay?

His smile disappeared again. "Oh, really? Gosh, I'm so sorry!"

"No, no, it's okay man," I assured him, even cracking a smile that must have looked absolutely ridiculous. "I was thinking about getting up early anyway."

I was such a liar, but I felt like cheering him up. It almost felt wrong to see Marco without a smile on face. It was a sight I had gotten so used to that I couldn't picture him any other way, even if that constant cheerfulness was a bit annoying.

"How about I make you some breakfast to make up for it?" he suggested. "I was about finished with my training anyway."

He stretched his body, which showed off his muscular torso even more. Was he doing that on purpose or what?

"Alright," I said, taking my eyes of off him. "But I do have one request."

"Oh?" he inquired, slightly tilting his head, which made him look like a puppy.

I grinned. "Put some clothes on first."  
  


* * *

 

Apparently, Marco could add cooking to his list of talents. The breakfast he had made were pancakes, and they were with no doubt the best I ever devoured. I wasn't even that hungry, but I still managed to eat four of them, all of them completely drowning in maple syrup.

I decided to pick up the stuff at my old place after that heavenly breakfast, since I was already up and had nothing better to do anyway. Of course, Marco was joining me. He was my professional stalker now, which meant that he would literally go wherever I went.

Surprisingly, it didn't even bother me anymore. Having Marco around wasn't as annoying as I had thought it would be. His presence made me feel safe and secure. If something was going to happen to me, he would be around to protect me, to make sure that I wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else.

Marco was my personal safety net, ready to catch me whenever I would fall.  
  


* * *

  
There wasn't even a lot of stuff left at my old place. I wasn't the material kind of person, owning a lot of stuff wasn't a necessity for me. Most things I had to pick up were related to school, like books and some art stuff.

All of the clothes that I had left in my closet before going home fitted into the suitcase I brought perfectly. Being dressed nicely didn't even matter at an art school like this one, so most of my clothes were just jeans, hoodies or just regular basic shirts. If I wanted to, I could show up to class only wearing a pair of sweatpants and no one would even care.

As I was putting my books into a bag, Marco finally spoke. "Are you going to miss living here?" he asked me, his voice sounding soft.

I shook my head. "Nah, don't think so. Our new apartment is much nicer."

"But-" he started, taking a deep breath in before he continued. "You lived alone here, you could do whatever you wanted. Doesn't it bother you that you are losing that freedom?"

Part of me wanted to scream 'yes!', because it was true. Now that we were living together I had lost all of the privacy I once had while living here. But I couldn't speak the word, not out loud. I knew that it would hurt him, I knew that it would him feel bad about himself again. So I didn't say it.

"Marco, it's okay," I told him, smiling slightly to comfort him. "I still have my own private room, don't I?"

"Yeah, but still... You still have me around all day."

I let my eyes search for his, hoping to show him that it was okay, but they couldn't connect. He was staring down, as if he didn't even dare to look me into the eyes.

"Marco," I spoke his name again, so soft that it was almost a whisper. "I don't mind anymore, okay? I knew I acted like a total asshat in the beginning, but you aren't a bother to me at all. I-I actually like having you around."

His gaze immediately searched mine, a slight sparkle showed up in his eyes. "Really?"

I nodded and couldn't help but widen my smirk a little bit. "Yeah, you are a nice guy, Marco," I assured him.

"I'm glad" he said as he looked at me, creases forming to the sides of his mouth while his familiar smile returned. "You weren't a total asshat by the way. I've met some guys who were so much worse than you were."

"Well, that's good to know," I answered, laughing quietly. "Alright, let's finish packing up so we can head back again."  
  


* * *

  
The sight of that beautiful black hair waving in the wind alerted me that the trio from Shiganshina was near us as we walked towards my car at the parking lot of my former apartment building.

Mikasa Ackerman was pacing across the parking lot, followed by Eren and Armin. God, that girl was so _beautiful_. I never really admitted it to myself, but I definitely had a huge crush on her during the first few months of college. I didn't even know her, but I couldn't help but staring at her every time she was around.

I had never been in love before - and I still haven't -, but there was just something about her. It probably was her shiny, raven hair that had attracted me to her back then, as I couldn't find any other reason for my stupid little crush.

Normally, I turned all weak whenever I ran into her. I couldn't even speak to her, being around her just made me too nervous to even say anything that made sense. But not today.

She was still beautiful, of course. She still looked the same as she did before Christmas break, not much had changed there. I was the one who had changed. I didn't even have any idea why. Did I get over her? Maybe I did. Ever since my powers had started showing, I hadn't even thought of her once. Perhaps I was just too busy with my magic and all of the things that came along with it to have a crush on some girl I couldn't even talk to.

"Jean!" Armin's voice called my name. He waved at me enthusiastically as he came closer to me and Marco.

"Hey Armin," I greeted him once he reached us. "How have you been?"

He smirked. "Great! We had such a nice Christmas break. What about you?"

"It was alright," I answered him. I sure hoped that he wouldn't ask if something happened. What could I even tell him if he did?

His bright blue eyes suddenly noticed Marco, who was standing next to me with a friendly smile formed on his lips.

"Oh, you got a friend there, Jean?" Armin asked, curiously examining Marco from head to toe.

Marco noticed and smiled even more, though I could see that he was getting nervous, because his breathing was getting heavier.

"This is Marco, my new roommate," I informed him.

Armin jumped at the poor guy, offering his hand which Marco shook politely. "Hi, I'm Armin Arlert!" he cheerfully introduced himself. "I have a few classes with Jean."

Marco flushed. "H-Hi, I'm Marco."

At that moment, Eren and Mikasa joined our little group. They both watched me quietly, not speaking a word to me. Then they looked over at Marco.

Mikasa gasped. And Marco gasped too, as if he recognized the girl.

But why? They couldn't even know each other, it was impossible. They both grew up in different places and besides, there was no way that Mikasa Ackerman possessed any magic. Shiganshina didn't have a lot of Mages, it was mostly populated by normal humans.

There was an awkward silence between the five of us, which was broken by Armin.

"So you guys are living together now? But didn't you have your own studio, Jean?"

"Yeah, used to have one in this exact building. We have our own apartment now, we were just moving some stuff actually," I explained to him.

While glancing over to Mikasa and Marco, I saw they were still looking at each other. What was going on with those two? Were they exes? Did they used to be friends? Millions of questions invaded my thoughts, but I probably wouldn't get my answer right now.

"Nice! Well, I should leave you guys to it then. Classes start again tomorrow, so you definitely want to get your apartment done by then. See you later!"

He continued his walk to wherever he had planned to go before running into us, Eren and Mikasa following him soundlessly.

I looked over at Marco, who was watching them leave. It seemed that his eyes were still fixated on Mikasa, but I couldn't really tell what he was thinking right now. This wasn't a look of love or attraction, nor was it a look of disgust. It was more like he respected her, like he admired her or something like that.

But why? How could he even admire her if they had never even met each other before? But maybe they had. There was only one way to find out.

"You know her?" I carefully opened my mouth.

He immediately snapped out of it, his eyes returning to me. "Yeah," he spoke. "Well, kind of. We haven't really spoken much."

"Oh?" I was getting curious now.

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, thinking. "Let's go inside the car, I'll tell you."  
  


* * *

  
"I know that her name is Mikasa Ackerman. She is one of the best Mages out there. She specialized at only sixteen, which is very unusual. At training, she was always used as an example," he started once we had taken place in the seats of my car. "Everyone wished they could be like her."

Wait, _what_?! Mikasa was a freaking _Mage_ as well? Holy fucking shit.

"S-She is a Mage?" I stuttered in disbelief. "B-But how? I didn't even know that I wasn't the only one out here."

Marco shook his head. "Apparently not. I had no idea that she attended this college, though. We were told she had to fulfill some important job. It was a lot like mine, actually."

"She also had to protect someone?" That sure sparked my interest.

"As far as I have heard, yeah."

It was like I had finally found the last puzzle piece. Everything connected now, I knew exactly who she was protecting. Of course she protected him, since she was always around him, just like Marco was always by my side now. She never would let anyone get too close to him, and she wouldn't ever let anyone get close to her either.

_Mikasa Ackerman was Eren's guard_.

"It's Eren," I breathed upon the realization. "It can't be anyone else."

Marco stared at me, probably reading the numerous questions that swarmed my mind. "If he was the guy with the brown hair, then yeah. It was most likely him."

"Good God," I accidently muttered out loud. I pressed my hands to the sides of my face as I tried to make sense of it all.

All those months, I hadn't been the only Mage at Sina. Mikasa was a Mage, and Eren was most likely another one. I didn't get why I had never noticed it before, since Mages were supposed to sense it when another one was around. I had been able to sense my parents before and even now I could sense the powers pulsing through Marco's body as he was sitting in the seat next to mine.

But whenever I was around Mikasa and Eren, I couldn't sense a thing. They looked human, and they _felt_ human to me. There was nothing extraordinary about them, nothing that could anyone that they weren't your typical Sina attendees. How was that even possible?

I lowered my hands again, which were trembling by now. My body was getting tense and I could already feel an ache spreading throughout my stomach.

Fuck. This was totally _not_ good.

We were in a car in the middle of a public parking lot, people were walking around just outside the car doors. My magic couldn't show itself right here, it was too dangerous.

If I had been alone, I would have been scared to death that something might happen. But thank God I wasn't alone.

"M-Marco."

His name was barely hearable, but it was the only warning he needed. One of his hands searched my nearest one and he grasped it, his fingers tangling with mine.

In any other situation, I wouldn't have let him touch me like that, as this definitely crossed the borders of 'no homo'. But right now, it felt safe and wonderful as he carefully let his light flow through my veins, chasing the darkness and the uneasiness away.

We stayed like that for a few minutes while I closed my eyes to let myself relax again. I liked feeling like this. It was like I was getting drunk on his magic, getting a kick out of the light that was rushing through my body. If I had to get addicted to something, Marco's magic would definitely be the one I wouldn't mind craving every single moment.

As Marco stopped using his powers, the ethereal feeling didn't go away just yet. My eyes were still closed and his hand was still holding mine, but I didn't move a muscle. I wanted to stay like this _forever_.

"Jean," a voice whispered softly. "Hey, are you alright again?"

It took me a couple of seconds to realize that it was Marco's voice, trying to call me back to reality.

My eyes snapped open, immediately searching for the freckled boy right next to me. Our fingers were still tangled together and we both pulled our hands back as soon as we realized it.

I felt a warmth on my cheeks. Shit, I was actually _blushing_. Damn, that was fucking embarrassing.

But I wasn't the only one that was totally feeling awkward about this. Marco avoided my stare as he was staring straight ahead now, but the freckly dots on his face couldn't hide that same pink blush that I was wearing right now.

"S-Sorry about that!" he stuttered, talking way too quickly. "I just wanted to help you out."

I cracked a nervous smile. "Don't worry, man," I told him. "No homo, right?"

"Hmmm," he murmured with a simple nod, still not looking at me. "No homo."

I returned my gaze towards the parking lot in front of us. "Thanks, by the way, for helping me out whenever I need it."

A tiny smile showed up on his lips. "You're welcome, Jean. You know I'm there for you, I will always be."

Of course he was always there for me, it was his job, right? He got ordered by that Levi guy to look after me, it was not like he had a choice in all of this.  
I tried to ban those thoughts from my clouded mind, but I couldn't push them aside as I started my car and drove back to our shared apartment.  
  


* * *

  
The rest of our day was spent apart. I had retreated to my own room to unpack the remainder of my stuff and to watch some TV series on my laptop, as Marco was doing whatever the hell he liked to do during his free hours. My awesome dinner that night consisted of a pizza I had found in the freezer back at my old apartment.

All that time, my thoughts kept going back to our moment in the car this morning. I kept remembering the way he had held my hand in his, with our fingers wrapped around each other and the skin of our palms touching gently but still firmly at the same time.

This was so fucking _stupid_. This was so fucking _gay_. Why the hell did I even think about this stuff? We said 'no homo', right? It just happened because he was helping me out with my panic attack, it was not like he had just grabbed my hand for no reason.

I wasn't gay. Marco wasn't gay. Everything was strictly professional and that was the end of it.  
  


* * *

  
The new semester was starting again the next morning, but I couldn't say I was too excited about it. I had become far too used to doing nothing all day long, so actually being productive again wasn't all that fun.

I already started to notice Marco's good influence on me last night, as I went to bed at the early hour of eleven at night instead of three in the morning. And I had to say, I was actually relieved to find out that I was feeling refreshed and energized again when I woke up. Maybe following Marco's sleeping schedule wasn't that bad at all.

Our first class together was Graphic Design. I had no idea why I thought that taking this class was a good idea since I pretty much hated making graphics, but I had signed up for it anyway.

Upon arrival, we took two seats in the middle of the classroom and unpacked our bags. Something seemed off about Marco. His face was as white as a sheet and he kept moving his body around uncomfortably.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked him quietly as I looked at him concernedly.

He blinked a few times. "Oh, it's nothing, Jean."

Sure, I definitely could see that nothing was going on. Wasn't that why he was acting so weirdly?

"You are nervous," I quickly concluded as he was switching the position of his arms for the tenth time. "Isn't that right?"

"Hmmm," he mumbled. "Maybe. Just a bit."

I laughed softly. "It's alright to be nervous. I was nervous as hell on my first day and I can assure you most people are."

"Oh," he answered right before the professor entered the classroom. I wished we could have talked some more before the class started. I wanted to comfort him now, just like he had comforted me during my panic attacks. But that was going to be some other time.  
  


* * *

  
I'm definitely not a guy of many talents, that is something I can assure you. I was always pretty good at being a failure though. If I had to pick a special talent, being the biggest fail was most likely it. But tonight, I decided to test if I had inherited my mom's incredible cooking skills after all.

I wasn't really used to cooking something fancy. At home, mom always prepared the food for me and when I was living on my own, easy microwave meals or dinners in the college cafeteria were usually my choice of nutrition. So this afternoon, during a boring Painting class, I decided that it was time to start trying some new things, hopefully to get my life in order (as much as your life can be in order when you have dangerous magical powers). And the first thing I was going to try, was making a meal all by myself.

Marco came along to the grocery store with me, helping me to pick some ingredients to make my mom's super-special-and-delicious omelettes. The guy probably didn't even know that I had never made some decent-tasting food in my life before, but he was still acting like he was excited to try them out.

And how disappointed he was going to be. As I was trying to prepare them in our small kitchen, nothing went right. I had already messed up the measurements, so they were most likely going to taste awful. On top of that, I also managed to burn the first and second one. I wouldn't even dare to serve those, so they immediately ended up where they belonged - the bin.

My freckled housemate was already waiting for his food at the dinner table. I glanced at him as I was putting the omelettes that weren't completely burned on a plate and I caught a smirk on his face as he texting on his phone.

Again, I wondered who he was texting. Maybe he did have a secret girlfriend or something like that? Or maybe it was just Captain Creepy, who wanted to know how his very first day at college had been.

The poor guy was so nervous this morning, but fortunately, everything had turned out fine. Our classes had been quite boring, but Marco got enthusiastic about almost everything the teachers told us. He was just like a kid in a candy store, his eyes lighting up excitedly every time he learned something new.

"Marcooo, dinner is ready!" I called out when I walked over to the dinner table, two plates with steaming omelettes in my hands. I still wasn't too sure about the taste, but at least they looked a lot like the ones my mother made back home. Although hers didn't have some very brown almost-burned parts on them.

He quickly put his phone away and showed me one of his trademark smiles. "Finally," he joked. "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse."

I put our plates down and took my own seat, ready to be humiliated as hell once he figured out they were damn terrible. I held my breath in anticipation while he brought a small piece of it to his mouth and started to eat it.

"Jean..." he started, and I immediately tensed. "It's delicious!"

_What_?! He _liked_ it? Well, maybe my cooking skills weren't as bad as I thought they were.

I took a tiny piece of my own omelet, carefully tasting it. Damn, he was right. It was delicious. Okay, it didn't as good as my mom's, but still, it was very tasty.

"Thanks, man," I answered proudly, a huge grin decorating my face.

When he was finished eating his first, he demanded another one. After that another one, and afterwards, he wanted just one more. It was kind of satisfying to see someone enjoying my cooking so much. Maybe I really had inherited my mom's skills.

He helped me with cleaning up our kitchen after we had both eaten, casually talking about our classes and his first experiences as a college kid while we put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. It felt so nice to interact with him like this. The awkwardness was slowly disappearing and we were starting to feel comfortable around each other, acting like we were already good friends.

And that was I wanted to be. Friends, maybe even _best_ friends.

We talked some more on the couch after everything was cleaned up. Marco told me some more about his boss, Captain Levi. Apparently, Levi had an obsession with cleaning and he always liked to make his recruits clean stuff for him. Some of the recruits also heard some rumors about him and Commander Erwin being a little too cozy inside his office sometimes, but he was sure those were just rumors and not the actual truth.

When the clock told us it was 11 P.M. already, we decided to call it a night and retire to our own rooms for some much needed rest.

"Goodnight, Jean," Marco said with a smooth and soft voice as he disappeared into his bedroom.

"Night, Marco," I spoke to him, trying to hide my satisfied smile. I could see him smiling back just before he closed the door, leaving me behind it.

I couldn't help but keeping up that damned grin until I actually closed my eyes and drifted off into a nice, deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a little while due to school and cons, but chapter 4 is here!  
> I hope you all enjoy it and as always, tips and comments are welcome. Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudo's so far!


	5. Break

It took us a few weeks to adjust to our new way of life, and I had to admit, I still wasn't completely used to living with someone else, though it didn't really bother me that much anymore. I knew for a fact that Marco wasn't too, but we both kept quiet about it.

We actually had become much closer to each other. Of course, it wasn't hard to get closer to your housemate when you’re together almost 24/7, but we weren't just some guys that were forced to live together anymore. Marco and I were friends now and that just made me darn happy as I hadn't really tolerated being around someone for that long before.

But Marco was something _different_. Hell, he had turned me into something _different_. That goddamned annoying smirk of his made me smile every time I saw it. And his cheerfulness and kindness made me want to act more kindly to other people too. I had been more sociable in these past few weeks than I had been in my entire life.

We found out that our neighbors, two students called Connie and Sasha who also studied at Sina, were kind of cool folks to be around. We spent an entire evening at their apartment when they had invited us over last week, telling us everything we needed to know about this apartment complex and its inhabitants.

Connie and Sasha were a couple (a really lovey dovey one, might I add), but they even dared to mention that we didn't have to be afraid to hear anything of their sexual adventures as they, in Connie's words, were both ' _ace as shit_ ' (I later googled it and found out that this meant they were both asexual).

The one thing we did have to worry about were the nightly activities of the lesbian couple living right above us. According to Sasha, one of the girls looked all cute and innocent but she pretty much changed into a fucking monster at night. I really hoped I wouldn't get to hear any of that whenever I tried to sleep at night.

Some things had still stayed the same. Marco's smile sometimes still disappeared suddenly whenever something about his training came up and I hadn't been able to unravel the mystery about his Military training experience just yet.

I didn't even know why, but it _hurt_ me as well when I saw him acting this way. There was something sad about him during those times and I couldn't help but wonder what made him feel that way. I just wanted to help him, like he was helping me.

My power had stayed quiet ever since I had that accident at the parking lot. The shadows hadn't even popped up once, my breathing had never become unsteady again. For once, I felt in control again. It was a big relief, but I knew that this wouldn't last forever.  
  


* * *

  
On a Friday night, just one day before the worst day of the year was upon us (a.k.a. Valentine's Day, _ugh_ ), an unexpected brown-haired visitor showed up at our doorstep.

Marco was doing his exercises when our doorbell rang, so I had offered to open the door. I had never even seen the person before, but they happily greeted me when they saw me.

"Hello! You must be Jean!" the woman (or was it a man? I couldn't tell and it didn't matter anyway) enthusiastically said as they barged into our apartment without invitation. "Now, where is that guard of yours?"

Stunned, I closed the door and followed them into the living room, where Marco was sitting all sweaty on the floor. He seemed very surprised about this intrusion as well.

"Guard Bodt, it's so nice to see you again!"

"Doctor Zoe?" I heard Marco say as he was slowly pushing his body up to stand on his feet. "I didn't expect to see you here."

He sounded slightly annoyed. I was glad that I wasn't only one that didn't like this person randomly barging into our home.

"Well, I'm not alone actually. Levi is here too, but he had to pay Mikasa and Eren a visit first. He is hardly a family man, so I guess he just needed to discuss some important Mage things with them," they explained. "But he will come here as soon as that is over."

Hold on, Levi and Mikasa were actually _family_? Shit, that did explain why Mikasa seemed to be such a special case too. Extra-ordinary magical power probably was a thing that ran in the Ackerman family.

The brunette suddenly turned to me, their eyes gazing at me from behind the thick glasses they were wearing. "Oh, I just realized I haven't introduced myself to you yet. My name is Hanji Zoe, I'm a scientist working for the Mage Military. Even though my family has Mage blood, I haven't been blessed with magic like most of you have, but I'm more than happy to investigate all things magical."

They offered me their hand, which I hesitantly shook. "Nice to meet you," I said, just because it was the polite thing to do. "I would tell you my name, but you already seem to know it."

"Of course I do! There aren't many Shadow Mages left in the world, so I have been looking forward to meet you ever since I heard about you, Mr. Kirschstein!" they spoke with a creepy grin on their face. "Could you maybe, uh... show me?"

What the hell was this person even thinking? Hadn't they heard how fucking _dangerous_ my powers were? They weren't just something to toy with like the Water and Fire specializations.

"Jean is certainly _not_ going to do that," Marco suddenly spoke up before I could even answer."I'm sorry, Doctor Zoe, but it's too dangerous."

Damn right, Marco. Man, was I glad to have him around right now.

Hanji pouted. "Too bad, I was looking forward to see Jean in action. Well, if you can't show me some exciting magical powers, can you at least make me some tea? I'm so thirsty, Levi wouldn't let me stop to grab some drinks while we drove here from the airport."

I immediately walked over towards the counter in the kitchen part of our apartment. "I'll get you some tea, then," I murmured. Anything to get away from that mad scientist.

"Why don't we sit down while we wait, Doctor Zoe?" I heard Marco suggesting to them, to which Hanji agreed.

It took me a few minutes to prepare the tea, so that bought me some time to calm down. I had a certain aversion towards strangers, even if they were nice (Hanji was probably nice, but right now they were really weirding me out). The fact that this one walked into my home uninvited didn't really help with this fear, either.

_Be nice, Jean. Be strong. Be like Marco._

I took a deep breath in before I approached them with the tea, even forcing a smile as I handed Hanji their tea. "Here you go."

"Well, thank you, young man," Hanji happily replied. They immediately put the cup at their lips and took a sip of the boiling hot tea. "Aah, perfect!"

Good God, they were indeed mad. Whoever could drink tea at that temperature and not burn their entire mouth?

I looked over at Marco, who didn't even seem shocked at all. He probably was used to all of this.

Just when I was about to sit down, the doorbell rang for the second time that day. Great, that would probably be Captain Grumpypants reporting for duty.

"I'll get it," Marco held out as soon as he saw that I was going to sit. "Just go sit down, Jean. I'll be back in a sec."

Relieved, I took my comfy spot on the couch. I wasn't really in the mood to open up that door for the scary, tiny Captain, so I was glad that Marco wanted to.

It was clear that it was indeed Captain Levi right away. "Tch. You kids really ought to clean up this shithole, it's filthy," he started to complain when he entered.

"We have been busy, Captain, but we shall do that tomorrow," Marco told him, scratching the hair on the back of his head. Well, that was _definitely_ a lie.

"You'd better," Levi sighed as he marched into the living room. "Ah, there we have Kirschstein and, praise the Lord, Shitty Glasses is here as well. I was already worried you were lost."

Hanji rolled their eyes with a giggle. "Oh Levi, you always think so highly of me, don't you?"

Levi settled onto the couch, folding his arms tightly. "Well, I know you can't see shit, so I was quite sure that you would get lost in the dark."

"Would you like some tea, Captain?" Marco quickly distracted him.

Levi nodded. "Black tea. You know I like that."

"Yes, Captain. I'll get you some."

Now that Marco was occupied, Levi turned towards me. "So Kirschstein, how are things going between you and Bodt?"

What did he even mean? I tried to read the expression on his face, but it remained as static and emotionless as ever.

"Uh... We are still getting used to all of this, I guess," I answered him, not even sure if that was the answer he was looking for.

"No more magic outbursts then?"

"Well, it happened once since we have arrived here. It was on the second day, but it hasn't happened since," I said honestly, staring into my teacup.

"Hmmm. And what happened to cause this?" Levi continued to interrogate me.

Shit. I was pondering if I should tell him about us finding out about Mikasa and Eren. But Hanji practically told us about them anyway, so it wasn't bad that I already knew, right?

"I, uh, found out that me and Marco weren't the only Mages at this university," I honestly told him as I avoided his intimidating looks. "I didn't really expect that."

"Ah, you already know about my niece and that brat she is guarding then. I just paid them a visit, seems like they were having a bit of trouble that included the brat's love life. There are some things that will never work out, Mages dating humans being one of them. He still was very persistent though, he won't give up even though it's for his own good to stay away from that human. Tch."

So Eren was dating a human? I had always thought he had eyes for Mikasa only, but apparently, a human girl had caught his attention. I wondered who it could be, since I had never even seen him in public with any other girl than Mikasa. But of course, this wasn't my business at all.

Marco showed up with Levi's tea, which was definitely black as night. That tea was probably way too strong, but Levi seemed to be satisfied with it.

"So Bodt, have you and Kirschstein been practicing with the control of his magic?" Levi asked Marco as soon as he sat down again.

Marco's face turned as white as a sheet. "N-No, Captain. I'm afraid we have been really busy with school, we haven't had the time yet," he explained to him.

"Really?" Captain Shortass raised an eyebrow. "Well, why won't you try something now then?"

Hanji immediately got excited. "Yes, show me some of that Shadow magic!"

I looked at Marco, Marco looked at me. Fuck, this was quite unexpected. I really didn't feel like exposing my powers, but I probably didn't have a choice. How could you refuse one of the leaders of the Military? Disobeying him would be a very bad idea.

"Jean?" Marco's voice was soft, but I could hear him clearly.

"It's okay," I encouraged him. "You are here, the Captain is here. Nothing can go wrong, right?"

We both stood up and walked towards the open space right before the TV. I closed my eyes, trying to summon the shadows hiding inside of me.

I had no idea how long I actually stood there before they appeared, but it felt like an eternity. When they finally did appear, it felt like I was being ripped open by a knife, the shadows pouring out of me like blood.

I couldn't help but let out a painful moan as they started to wrap up my body in their dark blanket. There was something different about them this time. I didn't feel empty at all, but instead I did feel a throbbing ache throughout my entire body. Everything fucking _hurt_ and it caused me to fall onto the floor, my body hitting the wooden floor loudly.

"Jean! What is going on?" I could hear Marco call out to me, but I couldn't find the words to reply. His voice didn't even sound normal anymore, it was too distant.

I closed my eyes, feeling myself drifting out of consciousness.

_Stay awake. Make them go away. Stay awake._

Just when I thought I was going out completely, a familiar bright light chased away my dark vision.

Finding the strength to open up my eyes again, I found a concerned Marco hovering above me. His eyes were wide open and I could feel the hot air of his breath on the sweaty skin of my face.

"I'm okay," I whispered. "You brought me back again."

"Thank God," he said quietly, it was so soft that only I could hear it.

He offered me his hand and helped me sit upright, though I had to lean on him as my strength hadn't fully returned yet.

"Well, that was pathetic," Levi sighed, shaking his head. "It's a good thing you have Bodt around, Kirschstein. You would have been long dead if it weren't for him."

"I thought it was quite interesting," Hanji remarked, immediately facing three very disagreeing expressions.

Ugh, I felt bad again. I wanted to fucking cry, but I bit my lip to prevent it. I wasn't going to cry in front of some Military officials, that would have been really embarrassing.

"I-I'm sorry."

"Kirschstein, Bodt," the Captain began his talk. "It seems like you two still have lots of work to do. Kirschstein needs to learn to control those powers or he will be a huge danger to both humans and Mages. You are still very early in the process, so there is still time, but that doesn't mean you get to slack around. Next time I'm here I want to see progress, understood?"

We both nodded, too afraid to even open up our mouths.

"Good. Now if you will excuse me, me and Hanji need to go again. This filthy place is giving me a headache."

"But Levi-," Hanji protested, but there was no way he was going to listen.

He grabbed Hanji by the coat, dragging them out of our apartment.

"Later, brats," he said before he shut the door.  
  


* * *

  
"Well, that was quite something," Marco sighed after Levi and Hanji had left.

I didn't reply. I didn't feel like talking at all. My whole body felt empty now, suffering from the effect of the magic I couldn't manage to control.

I slowly lowered my body to lay down onto the floor and closed my eyes. The floor was hard and cold, but the cold felt really good against my hot, sweating body. It wasn't much of a relief, but at least it was something.

"Jean, are you okay?"

My head shook itself almost automatically. No, I really didn't feel okay. I was too damn tired, if I could I would sleep right here on this floor.

A hand suddenly held mine and I could feel Marco's heavenly light taking away every single ache in my body, piece by piece.

This was why he had grown so close to me. This showed me why I probably couldn't even bear to be separated from him anymore. He was always there, shining brightly like sunlight, taking away my rainy, dark clouds.

My eyes shot open, catching him staring at me with a glowing blush on his cheeks. He didn't even look away when he saw me staring back at him.

"Hey Marco," my raspy voice sounded. "Let's relax tomorrow, okay? No school stuff, no magic, just fun things."

He gently smiled as he let go of my hand.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Sounds perfect."  
  


* * *

  
Most people that didn't have much fortune regarding all things love and romance absolutely resented Valentine's Day and I, being the most single and undateable guy in existence, was no exception. I freaking hated Valentine's Day. If I had to pick one day to sleep through while it lasted, this one would be it.

I already knew that many people on campus would be celebrating it, most of them being couples, of course. So I had made it my mission to stay inside the entire day, so I wouldn't have to see couples making out or people confessing their love to another with roses and chocolate and other gooey shit.

When you are as unloved as I am, you don't want to see that. It just reminds you of how lonely you are and how much you suck at love.

To distract myself from all of the sticky sweet stuff going on around campus, I had ordered myself a brand new game for my Xbox. It was an action one with zombies, so I was sure in for a day full of thrill and splattering blood.

Though we had promised each other to do some fun stuff, I hadn't expected Marco to be the kind of guy to be fond of horror games. But as I was playing, he sat down on the couch next to me anyway. I caught a glimpse of a book in his hands, making me wonder how the hell he was going to concentrate on reading while I was violently killing zombies on the TV.

"Seems like a fun game," he remarked. I could sense a small laugh in his tone.

"Yeah," I said, right as I buried my axe into a zombie's head. "Zombies, blood and guts, it's like the best game ever."

He laughed again. "You know, I have never played on one of those things before."

I paused my game to stare at him, blinking my eyes in disbelief. "You what? Are you kidding, Marco?"

"Nope, I really haven't," he answered me, embarrassingly looking away. "We never had one and my friends didn't either."

I grabbed the other controller and pushed it into his hands. "Well then, we are going to change that right now. Get ready to kill some zombies, Bodt."

A huge grin appeared on his face as he proudly examined the controller in his hands. I explained some of the basics to him before we actually started playing.

I had to say, for someone who had never played on an Xbox before, he was good. Really good, even. He almost killed as much zombies as I had, before one grabbed him and devoured him, leaving the real Marco screaming in terror.

"No way, I thought there weren't around anymore!" he yelled at the TV in protest, stomping his feet onto the ground. "I want to try again."  
  


* * *

  
And he did. We played the game the entire afternoon, until we both got so hungry that we decided we really needed to eat something to keep ourselves going. We were both too lazy to properly make some food ourselves, so we ordered some Chinese food that probably didn't even taste good, but we didn't care.

It had been quite a fun day, just like we had wanted. I even had forgotten all about Valentine's Day until Marco brought it up at dinner.

"So, you didn't celebrate Valentine's Day?"

I shook my head while slurping up a noodle. "Nah. Why do you think I stayed inside all day long? I don't want to watch that romantic stuff going on, it makes me puke. What about you, then? Got any cards? A handsome, strong guy like you must have some feminine admirers," I joked.

"No, no cards for me," he said with a faint smile. I smirked.

"Oh, really? And I was so sure you must have had a girlfriend already."

His smile vanished immediately and he stared at me in a weird way for a few seconds, before he looked down onto his food. The usual sparkle in his eyes was gone and he looked... well, sad.

Damn it, I was such a jerk. Perhaps his past girlfriend had tragically died or something like that and I just reminded him of that. _You go, Kirschstein_.

"M-Marco, I'm sorry," I apologized. "That was rude."

He looked up again, but his eyes didn't connect with mine. "No, it's okay, Jean. You weren't rude at all," he assured me. "It's just... Oh God, I don't even know if I should tell you this."

"I-It's okay, whatever you want."

He sighed. "I guess I could, but you might never look at me the same way again."

It would be a lie to say that I wasn't curious about his secret. I wondered what could make me change my views about him, because as far as I was concerned, nothing ever would. Marco had become my best fucking friend in the world and nothing could change that now.

"I won't judge you, Marco," I promised him, flashing him an assuring smile. "Whatever it is, I won't mind."

Something about my words gave Marco the courage he needed. He suddenly dared to look at me again, though I noticed his hands were shaking a bit.

_Go on, Marco. I will still like you, no matter what._

"J-Jean," he started, his voice trembling. "I-I'm g-gay."

Wow. I felt like a huge idiot, because I could have already guessed that he was going to tell me this. But for some reason, I had thought that whatever he wanted to tell me was much more shocking than this.

Did I mind him being gay? Hell no. My own uncle was gay too and he was one of best people I had ever met, so I wasn't really that judgmental about it.

Though Marco wasn't like my uncle at all. My uncle was quite open about his sexual preference and everyone could already tell that he liked guys even if you didn't know him that well. But Marco was the type of guy that probably wasn't really that open about it and I never even would have guessed it if he hadn't just told me.

I formed my lips into a broad smile, one that hopefully told him that I was glad he told me. "Hey man, I don't mind at all. You are really brave for telling me this, Marco."

I caught him blink a few times before he let out a relieved breath. "God, I really thought you were going to hate me now."

"Why would I? You are still my friend, Marco. I wouldn't hate you for something as normal as being gay."

He smiled slightly. "Thanks, Jean. I'm really glad to know that at least someone accepts me the way I am."

"Why wouldn't anyone accept you?" I asked him, wondering what made him think that no one was going to accept his sexual orientation.

He hid his face in his hands, not wanting me to see the expression on his face right now. I didn't know why, but I sensed he was about to cry. "It's just... people, you know. Parents, family, people at training. Everyone seems so judgmental about it. I just feel like I'm committing a crime just because I'm feeling-"

The moment he broke down, he stood up from his chair, starting to make a run for his room. And I couldn't let him. He had been there for me during my breakdowns, now it was my time to be there for his.

"Marco!" I cried out while I went after him.

He did go to his room, though he didn't shut the door. I found him on his bed, obviously crying, but he had buried his face into a pillow. I knew he didn't want me to see him cry like that. I knew he was ashamed of himself right now, but I didn't want him to be. After all, he had already seen me at my worst too.

I sat down on the side of his bed, looking at him with a twisted feeling in my stomach. I wasn't sure how to approach him now. Comforting someone wasn't a thing I did regularly and my lack of social skills didn't help either.

"Marco," I just spoke, my voice as soft as a whisper. "I'm sorry, Marco. I'm so fucking sorry."

He seemed to have heard my words, as his body moved and turned around. He cautiously removed the pillow from his face, revealing the most heartbreaking sight I had ever seen.

His eyes were swollen red, still wet from the tears. His complexion had turned all white, the only hint of color besides his red eyes, were the freckles on his cheeks and nose.

"It's not your fault, Jean." His voice sounded cracked and, most of all, broken. "You're not to blame."

I bit my lip as I tried not to break down in tears myself. I couldn't cry right now. I couldn't. I needed to be the stronger one now, for Marco.

"Your parents, did they-?"

"They don't know," he interrupted me. "I know how they feel about it, so I won't tell them."

"Shit," I accidently cursed out loud. "Does anyone else know?"

He nodded carefully. "One person. The one that made me realize it."

I gasped. "Is he your boyfriend?"

It was such a stupid question, I felt like punching myself for being so damn rude.

"I-I thought he was. We had kissed, we even-." He didn't finish that sentence. "But afterwards, he threatened me not to tell anyone about us. He would kill me if I did."

"Damn, I would strangle that guy if I knew who he was," I blurted out, feeling my blood bowl about that asshole that had hurt my best friend so much.

Marco faintly laughed again. "Oh, Jean, you really shouldn't."

I gazed at him, my eyes connecting with his. "I really would though. No one hurts my best friend."

It was the first time I had said out loud that I thought of him as my best friend and I instantly wished I hadn't. What if he didn't even see me as a friend? Now, that would be _really_ embarrassing.

"Really?" he asked, his deep brown eyes staring right at me.

"Yeah," I admitted, breaking the connection between our gazes. "I probably must sound like a little sentimental fool, but I have grown to care about you a lot during these past few weeks. You are the first person I have ever trusted this much."

I felt a warm hand grab mine, just like all those times he had consoled my powers. But this time, he didn't use his magic on me, he was looking for comfort himself. And maybe I needed some of that comfort too.

"Thank you, Jean," he softly spoke. "You are my best friend too. I never thought it would happen when we first met, but you changed. Maybe we both changed. But I'm glad it happened."

Smiles showed up on both of our faces, glad to have said those things out loud. My hand still stayed in his as we lowered our bodies, just lying down on his bed while we stared at the ceiling of his room.

"Shit, we haven't actually finished our food," I suddenly remembered.

Marco snorted. "Goodness, I actually forgot about that. I'm not really hungry anymore though."

"Yeah, I'm not hungry anymore too. Who cares about food, right?"

He laughed again, and I couldn't help but thinking it was adorable. This was how I loved to see Marco, happy and with a smile on his face. I hated whoever made him feel anything but happy.

Marco Bodt deserved to be happy and I wanted to do anything to make him feel that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, here is another chapter! This one is a bit more serious, but I hope you all enjoy the feels.  
> The last part was quite a hard one for me to write because it kind of hit home for me, but I'm happy with the way it turned out. :)


	6. Falling

I don't even know what happened right after Marco's breakdown, everything had turned into a blur. Though I was almost sure we must had fallen asleep, as I awakened slowly on his bed.

Marco was asleep right next to me, his hand still holding mine just loosely. It took me a minute to adjust my vision to the darkness, the only source of light coming from the lamppost just outside his window.

As I carefully turned my body around to face him, Marco's face became slightly visible again and I could see that a peaceful smile had formed itself on his lips. It seemed like he was having a pleasant dream. And I truly hoped he was dreaming about something nice, because he really deserved it after all of the shit that had happened to him.

I examined him in the dim light, discovering freckles in places I hadn't even seen them before. It was a thing I came to love about him, those little dots spread all over his face, his neck and the rest of his body. It was the thing that made him unique, just like that happy, cheery smile that I cherished to see so much. They both made him _beautiful_.

It still surprised me that I had grown so fond of him during the short time we had spent together. I had never cared about someone this much before. Of course, I had cared about some people, like my parents and other family, but never in my life had I actually felt the need to protect someone from all of the shitty stuff going on around them.

Yeah, I wanted to protect Marco, even though he technically was the one to protect me. I wanted to protect him from his parents, who would probably never want to see him again if they knew his secret. And I wanted to protect him from that asshole that had most likely taken his virginity and then threatened him not to tell anyone. I wanted to be the one to protect him from ever getting hurt like that again.

"Hmmm, Jean?" Marco slowly opened his eyes, rubbing them with the hand that wasn't holding mine.

"Hey," I said softly, my voice sounding rough. "We fell asleep, apparently."

"We are awake?" he asked me, his eyes half open. The guy was still sleepy as fuck. "I feel like I'm still dreaming."

I laughed quietly as I stared at his drowsy looking face. It was cute. "How come?"

"This is exactly like my dream. You were right next to me too," he whispered groggily. "How do I know you are real?"

I didn't answer, but brought my hand to his face instead. My hand softly touched the skin of his cheek, caressing it. I hadn't thought it would be so... _intimate_. It definitely hadn't been like this in my head.

I pulled back and felt myself blushing furiously. God, I just hoped he couldn't see my hot red cheeks in this darkness.

Marco's eyes were suddenly wide open, the grip on my hand in his tightening. "S-Shit, J-Jean."

I opened my mouth, but I was unable to speak as he moved himself closer towards me, his face so close to mine that I could feel his hot breath on my skin. My heart was beating crazily fast and my breathing was heavy. It was almost like I was about to have another one of my magic outbursts, though I didn't feel uncomfortable, nor did I feel empty. I had no idea what I was feeling at all.

"S-Shit," Marco muttered again as he let go of my hand, slowly placing it on the side of my face. "You should really stop me. Why aren't you?"

Honestly, I had no idea why I didn't move. I knew what was going on, I knew what was going to happen and yet, I still did nothing to prevent it.

I wasn't gay. It was the one thing I had always believed, since I had only been attracted to girls so far, even though I had never actually been in love with one before. I had never been in love in with a guy either, I hadn't even been attracted to one.

But in this moment, I knew that saying that I felt no attraction towards Marco would be a huge lie. I wasn't in love with him, that would be a thing that would probably take lots and lots of time. But fuck, this guy was too damn beautiful, too damn adorable and too damn, well- _hot_.

"Marco..."

I searched for his eyes, looking straight into them to let him know that I was okay with it, even though I wasn't able to speak those words out loud. His eyes glistened with surprise for a moment, before he moved in and-  
  


* * *

  
My eyes flew open.

Fuck. It had been just a dream, one that had seemed so fucking _real_.

I was, however, still in Marco's bed, but I couldn't feel his hand holding mine anymore.

"Jean, are you awake?" his voice asked me gently.

I took a deep breath in before answering. "Yeah. I guess I fell asleep, I'm sorry."

_I'm also totally sorry about dreaming of you doing things I'd never thought I wanted you to do, Marco._

He went to sit upright against the headboard. "That's okay, I think I dozed off for a while too. Hey, what were you dreaming about though? It seemed like it was a nice dream."

Oooh _fuck_. What had I been doing while I was asleep?

I sat down too, but I kept my distance by sitting on the edge of the bed. "I was dreaming about a, uh- a party!" I quickly made up. "Yeah, it was quite a nice one, such a shame I woke up."

He raised one eyebrow. "A party? You don't really seem like the kind of person that enjoys parties, though."

Damn it, this guy already knew me too well. Of course it was very clear that an antisocial guy like me wouldn't go to parties. They were too crowded and too stupid in my opinion, but hey, I had to come up with something, right?

"Well, sometimes I do enjoy them. Dream ones, especially," I told him with a fake grin, hoping he would buy it.

He giggled (and it was very _cute_ , if I may add). "I heard you say my name, so I assume that I was there too?"

Shit, had I actually spoken his name out loud in my sleep? I was probably turning into a red lobster right now, but I tried to keep my cool. "Yep. Having you around made it much more interesting. You are really funny when you are drunk," I tried to laugh it off.

"Really? I wouldn't know, I have never been drunk before and I don't really plan to get drunk anytime soon."

Well, that certainly sounded like a challenge. It would be very interesting to see Marco Bodt drunk, I figured. I wondered what he was like while intoxicated. Rude? Funny? Or maybe even really clingy and affectionate?

When thoughts of a drunk, clingy Marco filled up my mind, I couldn't help but thinking how much I wanted to see that. Or, how much I wanted to see him act that way towards _me_.

_Fucking quit it, Kirschstein. You don't have a crush on him._

Marco looked at me, cocking his head. "You are not thinking about getting me drunk, are you?"

"Me? Nah. Wouldn't even dare to give that demonic liquid to an angel like you," I joked, grinning uncontrollably.

"An angel?" he frowned. "Seriously?"

I fought to urge to say something incredibly sappy and stupid like ' _well, you certainly look like one_ '. I didn't have any idea how you were supposed to flirt and-

Hold up. I was _not_ going to flirt with Marco. We were just friends, even though I had dreamt about him almost kissing me just now. Those things were normal, right? Other guys probably had ridiculous gay dreams about their best friends too.

But, the most annoying part of it all, was the fact that I still totally wanted to kiss him in this moment. He was just sitting there, leaning against the headboard of his bed, most likely not even trying to look handsome or attractive, but he still fucking _did_.

I sighed, apparently out loud as Marco immediately started to look concerned.

"What's going on, Jean?" He started to shift his body forward until he was sitting right next to me, his legs bungling on the side of his bed.

I leaned forward, burying my face in both of my hands. I had no idea what I could even tell him or which lie would sound the most believable, but I knew for sure that he wasn't going to hear the truth.

"I'm just tired," I straight up lied to him. "Maybe I should go to my room, since I bet you don't want me to fall asleep in your bed again."

"You don't have to if you don't want to," he replied, much to my surprise. "Though I don't think you would want to spend the night in bed with a gay guy," he added with a laugh.

I felt like hiding my face even more in my hands, so he couldn't see my reaction. I was fucking _blushing_ again.

I stood up quickly, turning around so he couldn't see the pink color on my cheeks. "You deserve some rest and I'm a very restless sleeper. I would only keep you from sleeping, so I'll just sleep in my own bed. Good night, Marco."

"Sleep well, Jean," I heard him murmur as I walked out the door.  
  


* * *

  
The sound of my buzzing phone woke me up the next morning. It was already 11 AM and it was probably time for me to get up, but I was still pissed at whoever awakened me with that text.

**From: Armin  
Hey, can we talk about something? I feel really bad and you are the only one I want to share this with.**

Armin feeling bad? He was usually a very positive and happy guy, so it was hard to imagine him feeling sad. There had to be something serious going on if he wasn't feeling well.

**To: Armin  
of course. i can't leave my apartment rn but you can come over if you want to **

**From: Armin  
Okay, can you send me your address? Then I'll come right over.**

I quickly texted him my address and hobbled towards the bathroom to take a quick shower. Knowing Armin, he would be here soon, so I had to hurry myself to get ready before he showed up.

It only took him fifteen minutes to reach our apartment, and I was barely ready to receive him. My hair was still wet and extremely tousled from the shower I had taken and I hadn't eaten anything yet when he knocked on the door.

I rushed towards the door, almost bumping into Marco who apparently wanted to open up the door too. We didn't speak, we only awkwardly laughed as I presumed to make my way over to the door.

As soon as I opened that door, I stared right at a very distressed-looking Armin. He looked... well, really _bad_. His blonde hair was even more tousled than mine and he was wearing clothing that resembled pajamas more than they did actual clothing. The sparkle in his eyes had disappeared and the skin around them was wet and red, indicating that he had been crying not too long ago.

"Hey, you alright?" I asked him carefully. I still was extremely awkward around sad and crying people, having no idea how to talk to them or how to comfort them properly.

He shook his head. "Not really," he replied with a husky voice, wiping another tear from his cheek.

"Come on," I invited. "Let's go to my room, there we can talk." I still had no idea what I should have done, but without thinking about it, I put my hand on his shoulder while I led him to my room.

Marco shot me a weird look as we passed him, one that I couldn't read well. Was it surprise? Was it even jealousy? I didn't know for sure, but judging from the way he kept staring at us until we disappeared, it could have easily been jealousy.

I decided to pay no attention to it just yet. The only thing that mattered right now was Armin. He needed me for support and since I had decided to become a better friend, I was going to be the person that was there for him when he needed one.

"Do you want something to drink?" I politely asked him when Armin was settled onto the side of my bed, me sitting right next to him.

"No," he answered quietly. "I'm fine, I think."

I looked at him again. "You certainly don't look fine," I blurted out before I could stop myself. "What is wrong, Armin?"

Armin bit on his lip. "God, what is _right_?" Tears were stinging in his eyes and one managed to escape, rolling down over the porcelain skin of his cheek.

"Armin-" I started, but I wasn't able to finish it.

"Do you want to know what happened, Jean? Do you want to know why I'm such a mess right now?" Armin suddenly said loudly while tears kept flowing. "It's all because of that selfish prick! He told me he was in love with me and I believed it and I even loved him back. I'm so stupid, Jean! So, so _stupid_!"

He started to cry even more and his breath was becoming unsteady. I thought seeing Marco break down was already heart shattering, but it was even worse to see Armin this way. He was falling apart right in front me, the threads that had once held him together were becoming undone, one by one.

"Hey, come here," I said, trying to speak in a soothing voice. I placed one arm around him to comfort him and he leaned into me. "Who did this to you, Armin?"

"E-Eren," was all he could say between his sobs.

Eren? Armin and-.

That was when I remembered everything that Levi had said about Eren on Friday night. Eren was a Mage that had fallen for a human and, according to him, something like that could never work out. Back then, I had just thought he meant some human girl I didn't know, because I was that oblivious to the fact that Eren could be anything else than straight. But the person he loved was Armin, his best friend.

I wondered how I had never even picked up on it. They were together a lot, even when Mikasa was near to guard Eren. It was clear as day that Armin adored Eren, but I never thought they were actually _in love_. But love could be very unexpected, so it seemed.

Even though I felt sorry for Armin, I felt even more sorry for Eren. I knew that it wasn't his choice to break up with him and I could imagine that it hurt him just as much as it hurt Armin.

"Love is unfair," I mumbled to myself, but just loud enough that Armin could hear it.

The tiny blond looked up. "What did you say?"

"Love is unfair," I repeated, actually speaking up this time. "You always fall for the person you can't have."

Armin released himself from my embrace and sighed. "But that's just it. He can have me if he wants to. All of me, all of my heart... It belongs to him. But you know what he did? He just said he couldn't do it anymore and he walked away from me. He didn't even cry, he didn't seem sorry at all."

"But what if there was something else going on? Something he can't tell you?" I suggested to him. I knew I had to keep my mouth shut about all of the Mage stuff, but at least I could give him a few hints.

He wiped away his tears and crossed his arms. "Nonsense. I tell him everything and he tells me everything. If he is hiding something from me, he is just a liar and I don't want anything to do with him anymore."

"What if he is lying to protect you?" I tried to convince him.

Armin stared at me, cocking his head in a thoughtful position for a moment, before he looked away again. "Protect me? This is an art university, there is nothing dangerous to protect me from. Stop saying such ridiculous things, Jean."

I don't know exactly what happened, but something in me snapped. The good-and-supportive friend act wasn't worth keeping up as I got more and more annoyed by his disbelief. My blood was starting to boil and I balled my hands up into fists.

Not that I was actually going to hurt him. At least, not psychically. Though my magic probably was, as I felt that uncomfortable and uncontrollable feeling slowly surfacing again.

 _Fuck_. This was going to end badly.

"Jean? Wha-!" I pushed him away from me, trying to protect him from harm.

"Please just go," I pleaded. "And get Marco, I need him."

"Are you-".

"Just go!" I shouted out aggressively, just wanting him to get out before it was too late.

He did listen this time, running out of my room right before the magic erupted from my hands. My shadows were there again, welcoming me by swirling around my body.

I felt sick. My head was hurting, my muscles were aching and I felt like puking my guts out.

I let my body fall onto my bed and closed my eyes, letting the shadows take me in and hoping to feel at least some sort of relief. But there was no relief at all, I was just sinking deeper and deeper into an bottomless pit of darkness. The harder I fought to get out, the deeper I sank.

This must have been my worst outburst yet. I felt more out of control than I ever had before, so much that I was losing hope that Marco was ever going to bring me back again.

Maybe it was better this way, maybe I wasn't meant to come back. I wouldn't even mind not ever waking up again. The world would be much better off without a dangerous Mage like me.  
  


* * *

  
Sleeping in complete darkness was actually rather peaceful. I was losing sense of everything, but I didn't mind at all. I was empty now, not feeling anything. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy. I was just there, not thinking or caring about anything anymore.

" _Jean_!"

The voice was merely an echo inside my head. It wasn't real. No one was calling me, no one was missing me.

"Jean Kirschstein!"

It had turned into a real voice this time, but I still couldn't recognize the person it belonged to. Maybe it wasn't real after all.

"Come back to me!" It now sounded loud and clear. "Jean, please!"

And finally I knew who was calling me. "Marco!" I shouted back, my eyes opening abruptly.

His tear filled eyes were looking right into mine. "Oh my God, I thought you weren't coming back." A tear made its way down his freckled skin.

"You won't get rid of me that easily," I spoke softly, trying to crack a slight smile.

"Please don't ever make so worried again. I don't want to lose you, okay?" He then proceeded to lay down next to me, still keeping a small distance between our bodies.

His words brought a smile to my lips. He cared about me. _Really_ cared about me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, moving my head so I was facing him. "I just felt like I... Like I couldn't be saved anymore. And I let myself slip into the darkness. I was stupid."

Marco shook his head a bit. "No, you are not stupid. Don't even think that you are."

I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. "Oh, I think you don't know me well enough yet, Marco."

He gently placed a finger on my mouth. "Sssht. Shut up, you are wonderful."

I took his hand, carefully guiding it back down. "I'm really not. I made poor Armin even more upset than he already was," I said while I felt the guilt of what I had done.

"Just talk to him again and explain that you were feeling sick or unwell. He seems like a good guy, he will forgive you," Marco tried to assure me with a smile.

"Do you think he ever wants to talk to me again?" I asked him.

I was almost completely sure he hated me by now. I mean, why wouldn't he? I had been nothing but annoying about his break-up and then I also threw him out because I couldn't control myself. If I had been in his shoes, I probably wouldn't ever want to see that person again.

He laced his fingers through mine, pushing his palm against my own. A small amount of his magic escaped from his hand. I absorbed it, it instantly made me feel a little better again. Even though I hadn't asked him to, he still had sensed that I needed that pick-me-up really badly.

"Listen, Jean," he started out, his voice all calm and soothing. "He seemed to be really concerned about you when you sent him away. I told him you were sick and he believed it. He even asked me if you were going to be okay and I assured him you would be. This kid likes you and he still wants to be your friend."

"Well, that's good to hear." I was still holding his hand and I gently squeezed it. "Thanks, by the way. I don't know what I would do without you."

He smirked and even giggled a little. "It seems like we really grew attached to each other quite quickly, right?"

I nodded to agree, pressing my lips into a smile. "It scared me, and maybe it still does, but it's probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I found both safety and someone that cares about me and that is such a nice feeling."

His eyes connected with mine, making my body feel weak again even though I wasn't tired anymore. I knew what was causing it. I knew _exactly_ what was happening to me, but I didn't even mind it at all.

I was falling again, but it was the good kind of falling. With Marco I could fall deeper and deeper, because I knew he would be there to catch me.

I was a ship and Marco was my anchor, keeping me safe and sound, grounding me whenever I needed to.

"Hey Jean," he spoke quietly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, of course."

He took a deep breath in. "H-Have you ever been in love with someone?" he asked me, talking a little fast.

It wasn't a question I had expected him to ask. Hell, I didn't even know what I could answer, since I didn't even know the answer myself. I knew I was attracted to him, like _a lot_ , but it couldn't tell if I was in the progress of falling for him or if I already had.

Did I think of him kissing me? Yeah, it hadn't left my mind since yesterday.  
Did I want to be close to him? Yes, even right now he still felt too far away.  
Did I feel something whenever he was near? Well, I was definitely feeling something strong, pulling myself towards him. And I felt all giddy, and nervous, but really good too.

"I think so," I admitted, both to myself and to him.

God, this was _dumb_. He wasn't dumb, though, I was. I had managed to fall for the first person I ever got close to and I was sure he didn't feel the same way about me. Sure, he was gay, but just because he was into guys, it didn't mean that he was into someone like _me_.

"Do you think that person liked you back?" It was another intimate question and he didn't dare to look at me while asking.

I sighed, shaking my head. "Probably not. I'm too dumb for love, you know."

He held my hand a little tighter. "Don't say that. You deserve love, Jean. Everyone does," he protested.

I sighed again, trying to pull myself back up, but Marco wouldn't let me. He cautiously pulled back on my hand, leaving me no choice but to lay down on the bed right next to him.

"I'm telling you, Marco, I'm too-".

His head moved towards mine, making me gasp, unable to speak another word.

_This isn't really happening. It is just another dream._

He brought his free hand to my face, softly touching my skin. "You can still stop me, I bet you want to," he whispered insecurely as our lips were already so close that he could easily kiss me if he moved just a bit.

"D-don't want to stop," I murmured quietly, admitting that it was what I wanted.

Sure, I do felt scared, terrified even. I had never been kissed by someone before and this surely wasn't the way I thought I was going to get kissed for the first time. In my mind, that kiss had always belonged to a girl.

But right now, I wanted Marco to be my first. I trusted him, with him it would be perfect and nice and probably everything I had dreamed a kiss would feel like.

"Maybe you really are stupid, Jean," Marco managed speak right before he finally moved in.

Our lips touched, just barely at first, but as we both silently agreed to continue, they really did collide. His lips were soft against mine, kissing me slowly and gently.

An unfamiliar feeling filled up my stomach and I could only guess that they were the butterflies people always talked about in those shitty romantic movies. It felt extremely weird, but it was a happy and satisfying kind of feeling. If I could feel like this every time I was with Marco, then I wanted to spent every single moment I had with him.

We both broke the kiss off, slowly opening our eyes again to look at each other. We were flustered as fuck, with bright red cheeks and nervous smiles on our lips.

"Marco?" I breathed.

"Yeah?" he answered, biting his lip to hide the enormous grin on his face. I dared to look deeper into his eyes.

"W-Why did you say I'm stupid?"

He laughed. "Because you were letting me do that to you. What happened to your _no homo_ stuff?"

I swiftly gave him another peck on his lips to tease him. "To hell with _no homo_. It seems that I'm a little gay for you, Bodt."

"Really? You mean that-".

"Marco," I cut him off. "I think I'm falling in love with you. It's strange and I know still have to get used to all of this and I know it's not going to be easy, but... I'm ready to figure it out together. If you want to, of course."

He showed me the brightest smile I had ever seen, which made the butterflies in my stomach take another leap. "I want to," he said, just before he kissed me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand there it is! I hope you enjoyed that last part. ;)  
> I wrote it while listening to Falling For You by The 1975, so that's a song I recommend to listen to while reading it as well!


	7. Sparks

After you have admitted to someone that you have a crush on them, it is almost impossible to act normal around each other. Even when you are trying so hard to pay attention to the TV show you are watching, most of your attention will basically be absorbed by that person. Of course, with that particular person being half naked, the struggle is even more real.

I really tried not to look at him while he was doing his daily exercises. _Really_. But it was so hard not to glance at him when he was looking so freaking _hot_ without his shirt on.

Marco didn't seem to notice it at first. He just kept on training like usual, sweating and heavy breathing included. But as time passed, he started to note how my eyes would shift to him occasionally, and I could observe how he smiled a little every single time.

It was the start of a game. We were both trying hard not to let the other person know we were staring at them, even though we both obviously were. The stares were answered with smiles, which grew bigger and bigger as we continued to play.

Eventually, it was Marco who decided to act. "Go on a date with me," he just spoke out loud. It wasn't a command, but it wasn't exactly a question either.

"What did you say?" I teasingly asked him, though I had heard exactly what he had just said.

"Go on a date with me, Jean. We can grab some coffee at the nearby coffee shop or something like that," he said, biting his lip to hide a grin. "Just anything that doesn't involve us staring at each other this awkwardly."

I snorted. "Don't act like you don't enjoy it, Bodt. But sure, you know how much I like coffee. Caffeine is always good."

Marco rolled his eyes. "If you enjoy your coffee more than you enjoy my company, then the date is off."

"Oh Marco, please _lighten_ up a bit," I smirked, pun intended.

He blinked a few times. "Whoa, whoa, did you just crack a pun at me, Kirschstein?"

"Maaaaaybe," I said with a giggle, probably sounding like an idiotic schoolgirl.

"In that case, it's on. _So_ _on_ ," he announced as he started to take small steps towards the couch I was still sitting on. "So how about you throw some _shade_ , Jean?"

I stood up, trying to appear all intimidating, ready for the pun battle. "Don't you worry, Marco. I will be _shadowing_ you all day, you know that."

"Pfff, as if I didn't already know that. Does the thought of it make you feel, you know, _gloomy_?"

Damn it, I thought I was quite good with puns, but Marco was a tougher opponent than I thought he would be. Winning this thing might become harder than it seemed.

"Ah, no. Not when I'm around such a _ray_ _of sunshine_ like you," I countered, moving my body closer to his to tease him.

But Marco knew about his advantages, as he still wasn't wearing a shirt and he obviously was way more attractive than I was. "Well, thanks, even though I already know how _brilliant_ I am."

His face came closer to mine and I knew I was going to lose this thing. With him locking his eyes on me so freaking _seductively_ , it was impossible to think about some sort of snarky response.

"Giving up yet?" he grimaced as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer.

My hands found their way towards his neck. "Just take me on that date, freckleface," I mumbled against his lips before I moved in and kissed him gently.

I loved how warm it made me feel inside when we kissed each other. This one was different from the others we had shared just a few hours ago, when we both were still somewhat shy and awkward around each other. But all that awkwardness had disappeared somehow, like we had both realized how wonderful it was to be together in this way and that everything was _okay_ between us. There were no reasons to be ashamed, because we both felt the same way about the other person.

"How about I take a shower first and then we'll be on our way," he said after we ended the kiss.

We slowly let go again. "Well, just hurry up then."  
  


* * *

  
Going on a date with an amazing person made me feel more nervous than I thought it would. It was really stupid, because this date would be great no matter what, especially since it included my two favorite things - Marco and coffee.

The campus coffee shop wasn't really that busy. There were only about six or seven other people, excluding the staff. Most of them were too busy chatting with their company or just working on their laptops, so no one even noticed us coming in.

Marco pointed towards the very comfortable looking couch in the far corner of the shop. "Our spot?"

I nodded. "How about you sit down and I'll go get us some drinks," I proposed to him. "Which drink do you want?"

"Sure," he agreed with a smile. "Just some caramel macchiato is fine for me."

I watched him walk over to our claimed spot in the corner, obviously staring at him as he moved. I was so caught up in him that I almost forgot what I had planned to do.

_Damn it, you are falling so hard, Kirschstein._

It only took a couple minutes until I had obtained a steaming caramel macchiato for Marco and a cappuccino for myself. Marco beamed when I took a seat right next to him after I had given him his own cup. We were sitting close to each other, but not close enough for our bodies to touch.

I didn't even know if I could already handle the real stuff that came with dating someone. The thought of us holding hands or even kissing each other in such a public place, did scare the _shit_ out of me.

"Hey, you alright?" He noticed something was off. Of course he did. He just knew me too damn well.

"Yeah, yeah," I answered him, staring at my cup to avoid those lovely brown eyes. "It's just... This is my first date ever and I don't really know what we are supposed to do, that's all."

"Are you having seconds thoughts, Jean?" I thought he was teasing me, but when I looked up, his usual smile wasn't there.

"No, no... I'm glad to be with you, Marco," I spoke softly. "But everything is still very new to me, so I apologize if I might seem a little awkward."

I felt bad. Marco had been through all the secret stuff before and I didn't want to put him through all of that again. But at the same time, I was still scared about what might happen when things got public. I wasn't ready to come out just yet, but I was too much of a coward to tell him.

"It's fine, it's only the first date so it's alright to feel this way, I think. We have still so much time ahead of us, there is no rush to do things," he said to me, his voice sounding all gentle.

And this was exactly what made me fall for him even more. Marco understood things without questioning them. He understood _me_ as the complex creature I truly was, and the most important part was that he accepted it completely.

Maybe it was just his personality, to accept things for the way they were. Maybe he cared more about others than he was supposed to, but it definitely was one of the traits I liked most about him.

"Thanks for understanding," I sounded so quietly that it seemed like a whisper.

He took a sip from his coffee and I noticed a slight smile reappear on his lips as he drank.

That was when I knew that I wanted to be ready soon. I wanted to be the boyfriend that proudly took his favorite boy to a coffee shop and wasn't afraid to show everyone how much he was in love with him.  
  


* * *

  
Our first date was actually going surprisingly well, aside from the awkwardness at the beginning. We both relaxed afterwards, and happily chatted about the most random stuff while we drank our coffees and shared a lot (and I really mean _a lot_ ) of smiles.

I loved how being around Marco felt. He made me feel like I was the best damn person in the world. All of my worries and doubts just disappeared when we were talking and the only thing I wanted to do, was to drown in him.

There were a few moments where I really thought about kissing him, right there in front of everyone at the coffee shop. But I didn't, because I was such a damn scaredy cat. I just promised myself that I would still deliver those kisses to his lips when we were back home again.

Everything changed when the door of the shop opened to let another costumer in. I recognized that brown hair and those green eyes immediately. Eren Jaeger had entered the coffee shop, followed by his guard Mikasa.

I knew that I had to keep myself calm, I just had to. If I got too worked up, there was a huge chance I would lose control again and that definitely could _not_ happen inside the coffee shop, not while we were surrounded by normal humans.

"Something wrong?" I heard Marco ask me as I followed Eren with my eyes while he was ordering his drink.

I let out a sigh. "It's him," I softly said. "It's the guy that broke Armin's heart, the one that has made him so upset."

My body felt tenser and tenser by the second as I kept watching him. He was acting so damn _normal_. Nothing about him gave away that he too had had his heart broken by breaking up with his boyfriend, he was even smiling bright at the barista as she handed him his coffee.

Everything about him made me feel so angry, because I knew how much Armin was hurting and Eren was definitely not feeling any remorse about dumping him just because captain Douchebag had told him to.

I couldn't even believe that I had defended him earlier today. I tried to convince Armin that things weren't what they seemed, that Eren didn't want to do it but he just had to. I guessed all of that was just bullshit now.

"Jean, maybe it's better if we just go back home. You are going to get yourself in trouble, you are way too tense right now."

Just before I could answer that it probably was a good idea, Eren noticed me and walked over towards our spot. "Seriously, what are you looking at?" he spoke loudly to me, raising one eyebrow.

"N-nothing," I replied with a trembling voice, trying _very_ hard to keep calm.

His bright green eyes stared right at me. "Hah, you were checking me out, weren't you?"

I knew I shouldn't have done it. I knew Marco was going to hate for it. But I still did it.

In a blink of an eye, I was up on my feet and my fist hit Eren Jaeger right in his face. "That's what you get for leaving him like that, you asshole," I growled angrily.

"That's totally none of your business, you bastard!" Eren charged at me.

I closed my eyes, waiting for the pain to hit my face, but I felt absolutely nothing. When I opened them again, I saw that Mikasa had grabbed him to prevent him from continuing the fight.

"Get him and leave," Mikasa ordered Marco while she tried to keep a cursing Eren from breaking free. "We can't have this sort of trouble in here."

Marco nodded understandingly and pulled on my arm. "Just come."

I really didn't like the tone of voice he spoke in. It didn't sound like Marco at all, at least not the Marco I knew. His voice was dead, emotionless, empty. It wasn't a request he was making, he was _ordering_ me to come with him.

Silently, I followed him to the car and took the passenger's seat. Marco started the car and didn't talk to me while he drove us back home.

I knew I screwed up royally.  
  


* * *

  
His silent treatment continued all day long. I figured it was probably some sort of thing he picked up in the military. Maybe if someone had made a mistake as huge as mine, they wouldn't get talked to for a few days as some sort of punishment. Perhaps if they were ignored for a while, they would get what they did wrong.

And it totally worked, though I already knew that I did something horribly wrong right when my fist had hit Eren's face.

I felt horrible. I felt guilty. I felt like I had already lost Marco even though he never had been officially mine.

That night, I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years.  
  


* * *

  
The empty feeling still hadn't left me after a dreadful, mostly sleepless night. I wondered if Marco's silent treatment would continue today as well, even though I had already learned my lesson.

I knew I had been wrong. I knew I had to let him know that I did understand how much trouble I could have gotten us all in if the fight had continued.

I walked out of my room after I got dressed. My hands and legs were shaking, nervous to see Marco again. But he wasn't  anywhere to be seen in the living room, and he wasn't even in the kitchen as well.

The door to his room was still closed. He probably was in there, though I didn't even dare to go in. I was too damn scared, like the way I had always been.

 I was a walking disaster, I just destroyed everything and everyone that dared to come close to me. Maybe they really should have locked me up at some kind of military place, at least I couldn't have hurt anyone while I was imprisoned. If I had been, I would have never met Marco and that would have spared us both of falling for each other.

I hadn't even noticed that I was crying again until I felt the wet tears that were rolling down the skin of my cheeks. "Fuck," I let out with a sob.

Some footsteps could be heard from Marco's room. The footsteps were getting louder, warning me that he was going to come out and face a crying me.

Quickly, I tried to dry my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie, but I was sure my eyes were probably still too red and watery to cover up the fact that I was crying.

His door cracked open and a sad looking Marco came through. He immediately pointed his gaze towards me. "Damn it," he cursed softly.

I tried to turn away from him. He had seen me in a crying and distressed state countless times already, but I didn't want him to see me crying about _him_. It was the one thing that made me feel most ashamed about myself, stupidly sobbing about a boy I thought I was in love with it. It made me too vulnerable.

"Just leave me alone," I muttered, practically lying.

I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be with him more than anything else in the world. But even being with him was becoming a dangerous thing, another thing I could add to the list of ' _things Jean can't do because of his stupidity'_.

Marco didn't listen to me. He was standing behind me in mere seconds, his arms wrapping themselves around my body. He leaned his head forward, his forehead resting on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear. "I'm so fucking sorry, Jean. I overreacted yesterday and I let the other me take over, I am so, _so_ stupid."

_The other me_. He was most likely talking about his military side, the part of him that had been drilled to obey and act as emotionless as possible. I didn't know much about the military, but the stories I had heard certainly weren't about how much fun it was to be there.

He pressed a small kiss on the side of my neck. "I'll understand if you don't want me in _that_ way anymore. And that's okay, I can handle it, I think."

All night long I had been pondering if he still wanted me, but I never could have guessed he spent his night questioning the same thing. We were both so insecure about each other, while we didn't need to be. I knew how I felt about him and now I knew that he was in just as deep as I was. God, we were such _idiots_.

"Marco, I'm the one that should apologize," I started after taking a deep breath. "I shouldn't have hit Eren, it was stupid and immature. Things could have gone horribly wrong, I'm aware of that now. I'm sorry about all of it. And in case you still want me... Yes, I want you, I want you so freaking much. I am _in love_ with you, Marco, and I don't want to lose you so soon."

Marco's arms loosened around me and for a moment, a twinge of fear crept into me. "Turn around," he softly spoke to me.

Of course, I did turn around to face him. His eyes were tear-filled like mine, but he managed to show one of his precious smiles and I could swear my heart skipped a beat.

He cupped my face with his hands and gently leaned into me, our faces close enough to kiss. "You are such a dumbass, Jean," he softly giggled. "But that's exactly what made me fall in love with you. It kind of reminds me of who I used to be."

My arms closed themselves around his waist. "Thanks," I said with a cracked smile. "Maybe we are more alike than we thought we were, right?"

"Hmmm," he murmured against my lips. "Can we just skip to the kissing part? I kinda don't feel like talking right now."

I leaned my head forward just a little bit more and kissed him longingly. God, it made me feel so _happy_ again. It was incredible that I could feel so much just by being around another person. This was definitely what made everything worthwhile.

"Why don't we skip class this afternoon? We could just stay here and kiss all day," I proposed carefully. Going to photography class wasn't something I wanted to do right now, but being lazy with Marco definitely was.

Marco shook his head. "Oh, Jean, you and your bad thoughts," he said and I swore I could hear a soft laugh while he spoke. "But alright, we can stay here, though we still need to do something productive. How about we practice some magic after lunch?"

I groaned. "Do we really have to? You know what happened the last time..."

To be honest, I was scared to even try out my magic again. I was feeling good now and I just knew that using my powers would drain me again, even if Marco was there to help me out.

He sighed. "Yeah, you know that Levi wants us to. But we are going to do something completely different this time and it will be fine, I promise you." He pressed his lips against mine again, as a way to seal his promise.

And that kiss was definitely the thing that pulled me over.  
  


* * *

  
"What the hell does this have to do with using my powers? We aren't in freaking Avatar, you know?" I mumbled to Marco as I was sitting in a meditating position with both of my eyes closed.

Marco had asked me to do this and it seemed kind of relaxing at first, but now that I had been sitting like this for about half an hour, it was getting hella boring. Also, I had no idea why this would even help me to control my magic at all.

"Sssht. You need to keep on concentrating," he hushed. "Concentration is the base of total control over your mind, your body and your powers."

I slowly opened one eye, trying to peek at the incredibly good-looking teacher in front of me. "But _Marcooooo_ ," I tried again.

"Jean Kirschstein, keep those eyes closed at all times!" he immediately shouted back at me. "Or you will definitely not pass my test," he added with a softer, nicer voice.

"Alright, alright, I'll concentrate," I moaned as I shut my eyes again.

I inhaled and exhaled a couple of times, trying to find that comfortable feeling of relaxation. It was really hard and just as I thought it couldn't get any harder, I could sense Marco's body shuffling towards mine. He got closer and closer, so damn close I could even feel the heat radiating from his body.

"You're doing well," he whispered. "Continue while I try to distract you."

The distraction turned out to be subtle touches with his fingers. One on my shoulder, one on my back, one on my face. It was tough to resist the temptation, but I somehow managed to keep my eyes closed while I tried not to think of him kissing me.

But Marco was a mind reader and before I knew it, he planted a soft kiss on my cheek. He continued to place another one on my neck as I attempted to keep it all together.

_Focus, focus, focus. This is all a test and you have to pass it. Prove that you can do it._

The kisses kept coming, but I was determined to not give in to his seduction. I tried to focus on my breathing instead, counting each breath in and each breath out.

And amazingly, it worked. I couldn't even feel the touch of Marco's lips on my skin anymore, it was like I wasn't even with him anymore. I had zoned out completely, somewhere where only I existed and where I was the only thing that mattered.

I awoke abruptly when Marco was shaking my shoulders. "You can come back, we're done!"

I blinked my eyes a few times after opening them, slowly getting back. "Did I do it right?" I asked him with a husky voice.

"You did amazing," he smiled proudly. "I knew you could do it. This is only the first step to total control and we still have a long way to go, but at least it's a step, Jean."

"Hmmm, yeah," I nodded in agreement. "It's  the first time something went well, so that's something."

He moved a bit closer to me. "I think you deserve a reward for all of your hard work," he said softly as he gently stroke my cheek with his hand.

I smiled as a received a perfect, short kiss on my lips. "I think I might be getting some sort of addiction here. Some help would be great."

"Oh, really? I've heard tickles are a perfect remedy for addictions."

"Marco- NO!"

It was already too late to defend myself. He had practically launched himself at me, tickling my stomach with his fingers as I was screaming and laughing at the same time.

He finally stopped when I was lying on the apartment floor, his body on top of mine. "I hate you, Marco Bodt," I pouted.

A quiet giggle escaped from Marco's mouth as his face was hanging right above mine, slowly pulling in for a quick kiss. "Your lips tell a different story," he replied as he began to pull himself back up.

I grabbed the fabric of his button-up shirt, giving it a little tug to prevent him from getting back up. Our eyes connected. There was no need for words. He knew exactly what I was longing for and he answered.

This wasn't a kiss like any others we had before. It wasn't quick, nor did it only last for a short moment. It was intense, and loving, and incredibly _hot_. I guess this was the kind of thing you could call making out, with hands touching each other's bodies and long kisses that you never wanted to end, because they made you feel the most incredible feeling you had ever experienced.

Fuck, I was so in love with this guy.  
  


* * *

  
The love bubble Marco and I were living in was violently broken that next day when we had classes again. I was dreading going back to Art History, especially because that meant I would run into Armin. It was something I wasn't quite prepared for, even though I knew Armin wouldn't hate for me acting so fucked up during our last encounter. I had just been sick, right?

Walking into the classroom was scary, even if I had Marco right next to me. Armin was the kind of guy that was always way too early, so it was no surprise that he was already there.

"Go on, just talk to him," Marco whispered encouragingly.

I took a deep breath before I walked up to him. "H-Hey Armin," I started the conversation, my hands shaking nervously.

"Good morning, Jean. Are you feeling better?" he asked me. I couldn't read the expression on his face, there were no signs that told me if he was glad I was talking to him or not.

I nodded slightly. "Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better. How are you doing? Are you okay?" I tried carefully.

He sighed. "I think so. It will probably still take a long time before I'm completely healed though." I could spot an unhappy look in his bright eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said, probably a little too loudly.

"Jean, don't be. It's not your fault and I know you were just trying to help. I was just- I was overreacting, because it was all too recent and I just couldn't understand why he did it. I still don't, but I know I'll have to accept it somehow." He looked away while he spoke to me, avoiding my eyes so I wouldn't see how much he was still hurting.

I wanted to do something for him. I wanted to cheer him up more than anything, all because he didn't deserve to feel this way. Armin was too kind, too gentle, to feel this heartbroken. He was my friend and friends took care of each other, didn't they? So I was going to take care of him.

"I have an idea," I stated. "Are you free this afternoon?"

"Yes," he replied, daring to look at me again. "Why are you asking?"

I smiled softly. "Let's do something fun together to take your mind off that asshole," I suggested. "Are you down for that?"

He looked somewhat insecure for a bit, his eyes shifting from me towards his books and then back up again. "You know what, let's just do it," he agreed, just when the professor entered the classroom and we all had to take our seats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while because I was busy with school and conventions, but I'm back with chapter 7!  
> A big shout-out goes to Mari (arminarlerted), who came up with the puns for the pun war. Thanks hun! <3
> 
> Also, I created a playlist on 8tracks with music I use for inspiration, you can listen to it here: https://8tracks.com/princessofarendelle/chase-my-darkness-away


	8. Explosions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been pretty busy lately since I've moved out, but it's finally here - chapter 8!  
> I hope you'll all enjoy and as always, comments and kudos are more than welcome. <3

"You know, I'm glad you asked to me to do something together," Armin admitted after we had taken our seats at the school cafeteria. "I've been pretty much isolating myself these past few days, getting out is probably good for me. Hopefully it takes my mind off of things."

I stirred my hot chocolate with a plastic spoon. "Well, I'm glad you wanted to. Especially after everything that happened this past weekend."

"What do you mean? Stop worrying, I've already forgotten about it." He smiled to assure me we were on good terms again, and that there was nothing to worry about anymore.

Carefully, I smiled back. The last bit of tension left my body after his words. It was _alright_. We were fine, he still liked being around me.

"Thanks," I said to him, trying to conceal how incredibly content I was right now. "I hope that- Well, maybe we could hang out some more after class from now on? Only if you want to, though!"

Well, that was kind of embarrassing, wasn't it? It was almost like I was asking him out on a date or something along those lines. But I certainly wasn't. Marco was definitely the only person who had the privilege of going on dates with me.

I glanced to the other side of the cafeteria, searching for the dark haired guy with freckles splattered all over his face. Marco was studying, or at least he was pretending to, while he kept an eye on me in case something happened. It was nice to know he was around, even though I was doing something for myself this time. His presence alone was already enough to comfort me.

"Of course I want to," Armin cheerfully agreed. "We are friends, right?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "Feels nice to have a friend around here," I added softly, hoping he wouldn't catch that.

The blond boy cocked his head a little while he looked at me. "But aren't you very close to Marco? He is your friend too, isn't he?"

Oh shit, I probably sounded like an asshole now. Sure, Marco was indeed my friend too, but most of all, he was my _boyfriend_. He was far above the 'friend' league right now.

For a moment, I had no idea what to tell Armin. No one knew about me and Marco yet, since it was still very recent and I hadn't come out to anyone but Marco. But would Armin even care what my sexual orientation was? He had been in relationship with another guy himself after all.

"M-Marco is my- He's my _boyfriend_ ," I just went for it, trying hard not to say it too loudly. _There_ , I had officially told someone.

Armin blinked a few times, before he just started to smirk at me. "I knew it."

"W-What?! How?!" I blurted out, so loud that a few people were looking over at us.

I felt an embarrassed blush heating up my cheeks as I caught the stares around me. Fortunately, they all went back to their own business as soon as they realized there wasn't anything special to be seen.

"I don't know, I just did, I guess. It's just that you two already had that kind of air around you, it was easy to see the attraction towards each other," he explained softly. "But I just want to say that I'm very happy for the both of you, Jean. Marco is a wonderful guy."

I bit my bottom lip to hide a proud grin. Yeah, I was so freaking happy to call him _mine_. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that. He could have gotten someone that was so much better than me, but yet he choose _me_. I was so damn lucky to have him.

"Thank you, Armin," I replied. "But please don't tell anyone else, we are still keeping it to ourselves right now."

He nodded. "Of course I won't. Me and Er-, uh... You-Know-Who did the same thing. We were really unsure about the coming out thing and stuff, so we decided to keep it low key until we were sure."

Ah yes, coming out... It was the thing I dreaded the most, telling my family about it. The most stressful thing was that I didn't even know what my orientation was right now. I knew I liked girls before I met Marco, but I had never actually been in love with one of them. Sure, I had had crushes, but those had never reached the same levels as my feelings for Marco. Ugh, why were things like this just so damn _confusing_?

"Hey, I hope this isn't rude or anything, but," I started out quietly, "how did you discover all of this? That you like other boys, I mean."

God, I sure hoped that it wasn't too rude or too personal or whatever. I was just curious and now that I finally had someone to discuss those kind of things with, I just wanted to know it all. I needed to figure this thing out, for both mine and Marco's sake.

Armin smiled softly. "Don't worry, it's okay," he told me. " _He_ was kind of the first guy I liked in _that_ way. It was really strange in the beginning, since I had only liked girls before, even though guys still attracted me in some way. I should have already known I was bisexual back then, but I just thought it was kind of normal to feel that way. When it turned out it wasn't, that was when I was completely sure."

_Bisexual_. Of course, that still existed too. Was that who I was? It sure sounded like me. Armin's story was a lot like my own, we had been through the same thing.

"I think I'm bi too," I concluded out loud. "I'm still not exactly sure, but I know I like girls, and I like Marco a lot too."

“Sexuality is fluid, you know,” Armin started to explain. “It’s okay to think you’re straight at first and then find out you’re bi or even gay. It’s not an uncommon thing.”

The corners of my mouth curled. “Thanks Armin, I’m glad we can talk about these kinds of topics together.”

He beamed, as if he was proud of himself. “I’m glad too.” Then his smile dropped suddenly. “ _We_ used to be able to talk about stuff like this too, since we both felt the same. It’s so weird that he’s gone now,” he sighed.

Oh no, not the Eren thing again. I needed to cheer him back up, I hated it to see him like this.

“Hey, guess what?” I grinned.

“What?”

“I ran into him earlier and I tried to talk to him about you, but he was acting like a fucking dick. So you know what I did?”

He was going to _love_ this, I already knew it.

“Well?” he blinked.

“I punched him in the face. For you.”

“You did _what_?!” he blurted out, his mouth open wide. “ _Oh my God_ , Jean.”

I averted my eyes to dodge his probably angry stare. Damn it, how could I be so stupid to think he would actually like _that_.

“Jean?” He touched my arm with one of his hands. “Look at me.”

Carefully, I looked up. I was taken by surprise. He was actually smirking, very broadly too.

“Jean Kirschstein, you are a freaking _badass_ friend.”

We both burst into laughter after his words and everyone in the cafeteria was gaping at us again, including Marco. He had a content smile on his face as he looked at me, like a proud father looking at the newest achievement of his son.

And boy, had I achieved something remarkable. I had made my first actual best friend.  
  


* * *

  
Weeks passed at Sina University as Winter slowly turned into Spring. Things were all going well, it seemed. My magic was steady and it didn't bother me for the first time since it had showed up. I spent most of my time going to classes, working on stuff for projects together with Armin, and of course, fooling around with Marco at our apartment was also a big part of my daily routine.

Every day I fell a little more in love with him, even though I already had been head over heels in love with him since the start. It was incredible how fascinated you could be by one person. He really was like a beacon, lighting up every place he showed up at. Marco had the ability to turn every bothersome thing into something bright and happy.

If this was the way my life was going to be forever, I definitely couldn't complain.  
  


* * *

  
It was during a Friday evening near the end of March when I noticed the first crack in Marco's constant happy mood. He excused himself right after our dinner together, withdrawing himself into his room with a closed door.

Immediately I knew something wasn't right. I could practically _feel_ the negative energy that came from his room. It crept between the tiny space on the bottom of his door, warning me that he really wasn't okay.

I wanted to help him. I wanted to help him _so_ bad, but I just didn't know how. Marco was someone that had learned to hide his true feelings very well, masking every bad thing with a cheerful smile. I was learning to see through it, but I still had a hard time figuring out when he meant to smile and when it was faked.

I did know that he meant every single one he had given me since we got together. That bright, happy sparkle in his eyes just wasn't something he could fake. Marco really was in love with me and he had shown it to me every single day, regularly surprising me with kisses or hugs whenever we were alone.

After half an hour spent worrying about him, I finally gave in and walked over from my room to his. I paused in front of the closed door, doubting whether I would knock or not. Perhaps he wouldn't even let me in because he didn't want me to see him cry again. I knew how proud he could be about being strong and being pulled together. I suspected he probably had been taught to hide those kind of emotions whenever you were in company.

But I was his _boyfriend_ , I was so much more than some military officer or another recruit. He had seen me break down countless times already and he never called me weak or pathetic. I had seen him cry once too, I even had been able to comfort him during that time. Wasn't it my duty to be there for him now as well?

I took a long, deep breath in before I finally gathered all of my courage and knocked on the door. "Hey Marco, I-," I started to speak softly. "Are you okay in there?"

_Please let me in, Marco. Please._

"Y-Yeah, everything is alright," he answered from the other side of the door.

I knew he was lying. I could just _feel_ it. "Is it alright if I come in?" I carefully asked.

There was a long pause, but finally I heard some noise coming from the room. The door opened slowly, revealing a very tired looking Marco behind it. His eyes were red, though I didn't see any tears.

"Hey sweetheart," I greeted him gently with a soft smile, hoping it would cheer him up.

He didn't smile back. He didn't say anything. I watched as his eyes filled up with stinging tears, his lip trembling while he fought against them.

"Come here." I opened my arms and he crashed into me, wrapping himself around me in search of comfort. "It's alright, Marco, it's alright," I whispered while I held him, letting him know that he shouldn't be ashamed of himself in this moment.

He stayed in my arms for a few minutes, before he slowly started to unwrap himself from my embrace. "I-I need to t-tell you something," he stuttered. "I'm- I'm ready, I think."

"Let's settle down on the bed first, it's far more comfortable," I proposed.

He gave me a single nod to agree. Silently we sat down onto his bed, our backs supported by the wall behind us. Marco looked down at his feet, deeply breathing in and out a few times to relax.

"Hey, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I softly said to him. I didn't want him to feel like he was obligated to tell me whatever was going on if he wasn't completely sure he was ready to.

But he looked up again, grabbing my hand and lacing his fingers with mine. "I'm ready, Jean," he stated in a steady voice. "I'm ready to tell you about my experience in the military. Maybe it's time I finally told someone about it, it might help me to cope. I just hope you won't see me differently after I tell you."

I gently squeezed his hand with mine. "I won't. Whatever happened, whoever you were back then, you are still who you are now. You're still _my_ Marco."

It was the first time I ever called him mine out loud. Was it too possessive? Was it too early even though we had been together for over a month?

He smiled, just for a moment. "That's good to hear." He took another deep breath. "Well, let's start then."  
  


* * *

  
"I never had any intention of joining the military when I was younger. Just like any other Mage kid, I had heard the stories and the rumors about the training and there was no way I would have joined by choice," he started his story.

  
"But I wasn't a very good kid. I was still nice, I guess, but I was quite the rebel. My parents were, and still are, very strict and I had to keep up with so many rules. One day, when I was sixteen, I just had enough and I decided to break _a lot_ of them. It basically was like a game, you know, just to see how many I was able to break in a short period of time. Anyway, my parents weren't too happy about it after they found out. They wanted to punish me and they believed the only thing that would teach me a lesson was by sending me off to military training.  
The first few days, I did nothing but cry. I didn't want to be there, I just wanted to run away from everything and never look back at my old life. I didn't even want to live among other Mages anymore, I just wanted a normal life without all of the danger and secret stuff.  
Crying wasn't appreciated at training. We were taught that a good soldier never shows their emotions. You can't cry, you can't be afraid, you can't feel anything. It's better to be empty, it makes things a lot easier. So they trained me to become _hollow_ , as they called it. I was able to adapt to their wishes and to act like I couldn't show emotion, but deep inside I was still feeling lots of things. It was horrible, Jean. There were a lot of moments when I just wanted to scream to release all of that tension, but I wasn't able to and I just kept it all in, already knowing that I would burst one day.  
Every single day we were put through very intense physical and emotional training until we were old enough to develop our real magic. When I had just turned eighteen, mine showed. They were amazed by what I was able to do, even without proper magical training.  
It was soon decided that I would join a special group where I could be trained by Levi and many other outstanding Mages. That was where I met _him_. It didn't take me long to fall for him, especially because he kept flirting with me when our squad leaders weren't looking. He was the first person to treat me like a person with feelings again and I desperately craved that kind of attention at that time. When I was with him, I felt like I was becoming alive again.  
But I was so foolish to believe he wanted me, Jean. Things between me and him, they were so different then what I'm seeing and feeling now that I'm with you. He had me wrapped around his finger and I was willing to do anything to keep him. I even-".

He stopped talking. His grip on my hand was getting tighter and even though he quickly looked down, it was easy to see his eyes watering up. I carefully moved in front of him, placing my free hand on his chin to lift his head.

"Jean, I'm so sorry. So _fucking_ sorry," he cried, avoiding my gaze by closing his eyes.

I pressed a kiss against his forehead. "There is nothing to be sorry for," I whispered against his skin. "Absolutely nothing."

His eyes opened again and he insecurely looked me in the eyes, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. "B-But... I had _sex_ with him, Jean. Doesn't it bother you that I was so stupid?"

"Marco, don't you say that. It doesn't bother me, not even a bit."

And it was the absolute truth. I understood how much he had needed someone to be there for him, to be close to so he could finally feel something again. It was how I had felt back in December, though I was too stubborn to admit it back then. Marco became a part of my life at just the right time and I knew that I would do anything to keep him close too. I couldn't bear to lose him now, just like he didn't want to lose the guy he had fallen in love with during his training.

I realized that I had to take back the thing I thought when we first met each other – Marco and I weren't very different after all. We both had been through things, though his past was a lot more terrible than mine. We both just needed someone to make us _feel_ something after being unable to be ourselves for years. We needed each other more than anything else in this world.

Marco's hand let go of mine and he brought both of them to my face, delicately brushing his fingers against my skin. "You're too good for me," he murmured quietly before he leaned in for a kiss.

"No, Marco. You are the one that's too good for me," I quickly said, kissing him again because I didn't want to lose the feeling of his lips against mine so soon. "Come on, let's lie down, you must be tired."

I lied down on his soft mattress and closed my eyes for a moment. Marco took his spot in my arms, his head resting on my chest and one of his arms wrapped around my body. As I glanced down while I softly played with his hair, I noticed he was starting to look peaceful again.

 "Do you think we were meant to meet each other like this?" he suddenly asked me.

It was an unexpected question and I honestly had no idea what to answer. I wasn't the kind of person who believed in things like fate or destiny. Things came when they came, didn't they? But now, I didn't know if that was true. Marco and I had met each other at the exact right time, a time when we both needed each other the most. The timing had been too perfect for it to be a coincidence.

"I think so," I honestly responded. "And I'm damn happy things turned out like this."

Marco let out a pleased sigh. "I am too." He moved his body, bringing his face closer to mine. "I don't care if it's dumb to say this, but- I love you, Jean. I love you and I don't want to lose you, I don't think I could handle that."

His eyes told me how scared he was to say it to me. They were full of worries and panic, but they were also full of love and kindness and all of the wonderful things Marco possessed.

"I love you too," I told him, smiling slightly. "And I want the whole world to know about it."

His eyes widened. "Do you mean that you are ready? You want to come out?"

"Yeah, I do," I decided. "There is no need to hide anymore. I don't care about anyone on campus knowing about it. We are at an art school for crying out loud, no one here is surprised to see two boys together. I am afraid to tell my parents, but that's something to worry about later."

Marco tenderly gave me a kiss on my cheek before he slowly moved to my lips. "Exactly one year ago, I made a terrible mistake. I gave my virginity away to some douche bag who pretended he was in love with me and I regret it so terribly much. I shouldn't have done it, especially not if I would have known how much I wanted to share the first kiss, the first touch, the first anything, with someone as wonderful as you."

So that was why he had been so sad earlier. Today marked the one year anniversary of the biggest regret of his life, that one mistake he wanted to erase so badly. He wanted his firsts to be with me, but it had been too late and they had been already taken away by some stranger.

I wished I could have been able to reverse time, to let him meet me before he met the asshole that broke his heart. But would things really have been the same if that had happened? Maybe we weren't meant to meet each other that early on in our lives. Perhaps meeting each other was our reward for enduring all of those bad things that happened before. And I had to say, falling in love with someone as beautiful and amazing as Marco was certainly the best reward I could have imagined.

I caressed his cheek cautiously as I stared into his warm brown eyes. "We are each other's rewards for the things we have been through, that's what I believe. And I don't want you to feel guilty about being with someone else before me. I don't care about that, Marco. The only thing I care about is that you are here right now. It's the best thing that could have happened to the both of us," I told him with glowing red cheeks because I obviously was getting way too cheesy.

The ends of Marco's lips curled again, showing me that loving smile that I always longed to see. "You may be flawed, Jean Kirschstein," he said weakly. "But you are so beautifully flawed that I can't see you as nothing else than perfect."  
  


* * *

  
That was the first night we spent together. No, we did not have sex. The timing wasn't right for it at all and I had to admit, I was far from ready for it. Instead we just laid in his bed, our bodies wrapped around each other while we kissed occasionally. I had counted the freckles on the exposed parts of his body as well, making him giggle continuously as I kissed every single one of them separately.

Eventually, we did fall asleep and we awakened just as entwined as we had been when we were slowly drifting away from reality into a dream. It was the one time that reality had been way better than anything that could have happened in a sweet dream. Being in love with Marco was a wonderful dream that I never wanted to end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading all the way through this! I hope you enjoy this little fic of mine, and I promise that there will be more soon!
> 
> As I'm not a native English speaker, some mistakes are bound to happen. If you see any, please free to tell me. Of course, other comments are welcome as well!
> 
> I want to add a quick shout-out to Mari, my beta reader. Thanks for helping me with this! <3


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